Thursday, July 18, 2013

[That Proverbial Straw]

Fair warning: due to PMS symptoms starting to pop up, the stress of still having not found a full-time job, it being wedding season, me having more physical pain that I can cheerfully ignore at the moment, taking my Zoloft later in the evening than normal, and too much isolation lately, this blog post will be a whiner. Don't like it when I whine? Then don't read. I need to vent before that proverbial straw breaks my back.

Job hunting sucks. That's all I'll say on that subject for now. It just sucks. And it makes everything else that sucks occasionally, suck perpetually.

Y'know, I turn 30 in less than three months. I started writing on this blog when I was seventeen. If you'd told me then that at this point I would still have never dated anyone, never been kissed, etc., it probably would've devastated me. Most days, though, I'm okay with it. I don't love it, because I do feel like I've missed out on some pretty standard maturation milestones, and it doesn't help that some of my friends my age now have kids who are dating already and are teenagers. (Cue a major WTF?!?!?!) Seriously, a kid whose diaper I changed when she was an infant when I freakin' babysat her is a year away from graduating high school. And somehow, in the area of romance, I'm behind her.

So yeah, there are days (like today) when it all gets to me. When I log on Facebook and see someone else posting engagement photos. When I just want to give up trying to date because nothing ever, ever changes. It doesn't help, either, that pretty much the only socialization I've had all summer is with my parents (and, I might add, it's been hard to see them not in great health, especially my dad). Really. And the fact that, while my Zoloft does help with the mood swings and constant mild depression, I'm still emotional little Niki whose logical brain and rampant emotions appear unable to communicate with one another. I just would like to not feel perpetually stuck in a rut that seems to be a combination of ages 14 and 22 as far as life progression.

I want things to change, yet I don't have the means to make any change happen.

I'm tired of this stuff always being what it has been for so long.

I'm not an idiot. I know that finding a boyfriend won't magically fix loneliness. There are no magic fixes for this stuff. But I want to feel like I'm moving forward in life somehow, instead of idling at the same traffic light day in and day out.

I do feel an urge to reread Ecclesiastes right now... "There's nothing new under the sun..." You're preaching to the choir, Teacher, you're preaching to the choir.

Apologies if you've read this far for any lack of coherence or overall bitchiness. I'm just tired and needed to put these thoughts out there instead of letting them fester in my head all the time.........


Anonymous said...

I'm sure this is going to sound random and super creepy, but I saw a comment that you wrote on a Salon update on FB. Right under it someone had written something really mean about you. Anyway, I went back to edit my comment to say that he was a super dick, but then I saw you deleted what you wrote. (Which I also did, because why do we engage in Internet conversations anyway? I don't know.) Anyway, I googled your name and found this blog and I just wanted to tell you that I think your artwork is really beautiful! I especially loved the fantasy city scape.

I hope you're feeling better since this post, and that you have/had a happy birthday and a thousand other good wishes! :)


Niki Cox said...

Thank you, Vinusha. I'm really grateful for the encouragement, especially right now. I'm in a bit of an emotional slump (hence my deleting my comments--I realized I was going to make myself crazy waiting for someone to say something kind instead of snarky or bitchy. I've got too much going on to throw that into the mix. :) Anyway, the birthday's not for another couple of weeks, so there's still time for me to perk up and regain my optimism (not to mention a better dose of anti-anxiety meds... *cough*).

Have a happy Monday and a wonderful week!