Saturday, February 18, 2012

[The Art of Avoidance]

I haven't disappeared yet! I'm still here--just working on trying to get back to normal. You know the cliche "one step forward, two steps back"? Yeah, that's been me with recovering from this wreck. As I write, I'm on day 14--no, 15 (it's after midnight) of a migraine, and now I get issues with my neck--my whiplashed muscles tensing up into a muscle "crick"--with longer ones starting on the second or third day. I could (and still can) barely turn my head this past week. Good times, good times.

I found out last week that my dad has ideopathic pulmonary fibrosis, a progressive lung disease, and Mom said her skin lesion is trying to make a reappearance. I haven't really dealt with that yet on an emotional level. I've got so much on my mental and emotional plate that I can't deal with any emotional stuff. In fact, while I'm normally a big crybaby at sad points in movies, I'm so shut down right now that I don't shed a tear. I think it's a survival mechanism--if I let myself cry, I know I'll have a breakdown, and I, quite simply, don't have time for one. The past four months have been one emotionally draining event after another, and that's probably the main reason I haven't written. If I write about my feelings, which is usually what I do here, I end up confronting those emotions. Even now, I feel like I'm writing about all this in a sort of clinical tone and perspective.

So now you know the reason for my verbal block.

One of these days, if life ever quiets down, I'm going to work on putting all these life experiences onto paper in one cohesive piece--like a memoir. Soon, I hope, though. It's a bit of a challenge. My history is pretty complicated, and there's a lot of events that are rather ambiguous, depending on which side of the story the teller is on, so it's difficult to walk that line of balance.

One good thing--I've managed to compartmentalize my writing. I've got an art blog, a lactose intolerance blog, and a teaching blog in addition to this one, so perhaps now I can do some writing on this personal blog without so much self-censorship.

But for now, it'll have to wait a little while. I'm getting drowsy, There are currently four young women, in addition to me, in this 900-square-foot house (Sassy's in her seventh heaven because there are PEOPLE!!!!!!) with plans to go bridesmaid-dress-shopping tomorrow before they all head back to KC, and since I plan to accompany them to brunch and to the store they plan to visit, I need some Zzzz's.

Good night, Neverland!

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