Friday, July 30, 2010

[Why the Name?]

I named my blog "Holding Onto the Magic" to symbolize a daily struggle I face.  When I lost my mom while I was still such a young child, I was forced, in a way, to grow up overnight.  I lost a core piece of my innocence that April afternoon.  Suddenly, I knew something most of my peers would not understand for many years to come: the transient nature of life.  Suddenly, at nine years old, I understood the Old English elegiac poems that lamented the ephemeral state of this world, that nothing stays the same, and sooner or later, everything I know (myself included) will pass away, like leaves on the trees.

Such a jarringly abrupt maturation made me skittish and desperate to cling to whatever vestiges of childhood and mystery that yet remained.  For this reason, I refused to stop believing in Santa Claus until junior high.  I still keep looking for a hidden portals to a magical world, however implausible they may be. And I never could understand friends' rush to become adults.  I knew our childhood would fade before I was ready, so why rush the moments?

So the name of my site is a core element of my identity.  I've lost so much over the years: precious loved ones, too much of my health, a feeling of "normalcy", too many of my hopes and dreams... So, I hold onto what still remains: faith in something intangible.  Yes, God (of course!), but also magic in general: that something can happen that no one saw coming and that utterly defies logic... the mysterious, the mystical, the achingly beautiful (a la Lewis's being "surprised by joy"), and that, perhaps, I won't always have to watch from a distance.  Maybe someday that magic will involve... me.

So I have to hold on to something or go crazy.  With this site and my life, I spit in the face of cynical reality and choose the magic.  I'm not going to let go for anything.

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