Thursday, April 22, 2010

[You Know Teaching English is Taking Over Your Life When...]

  • You have nightmares that comma splices are trying to splice you.
  • You're so broken up over a beloved author mixing up "your" and "you're" in his blog entry that you come thisclose to removing his blog feed from your list (but loyalty finally wins out)
  • You're crushed when your crush writes an email or posts a Facebook update and replaces "you" with "u," and you promptly decided it's time to move on.
  • In spite of a backache, you sit for six hours in a crowded, noisy commons area waiting for four students who might or might not show up for conferencing, then wake up the next morning with a massive migraine.
  • After finals, you have nightmares that all your classes, past and present, have marched up to your doorstep, torches and pitchforks in hand, demanding a recount.
  • You feel giddy when your favorite writing textbook comes out with a revised edition.
  • The real reason you're still single is because, without fail, every opportunity to leave the house is trumped by the need to grade a four-foot high pile of grammar assignments.
  • The real reason that pile of grammar assignments has gotten so high is because you dread finding out that no one listened to a word you lectured for two months straight, and when you finally got up the nerve to tackle the first chapter, it proved your fear founded.
  • You break into whirling dervishes out of the joy of finding out that some of your current students are signed up to take another class with you next semester (they don't all hate me!), and really, who needs a social life anyway?  
  • You wake up the next morning, remembering why you need a social life anyway, when you realize that less than half of your class has shown up that morning for class... again... and if this is supposed to be a source of joy, it's an epic fail.
  • Your excuse for missing your best friend's party?  "I need to make lesson plans for next semester."
  • You have nightmares that instead of parmigiana cheese, you just sprinkled your meal with cheesy cliches submitted by your students.
  • You fall asleep at night crying over a particularly moving story written by one of your students.
  • In church, you find yourself taking notes, not over the content of the sermon, like you should, but over transition techniques you want to suggest to your students.
  • Your tongue is constantly bleeding from biting it to keep from editing your friends' and family's grammar mistakes when they speak.
  • You take two weeks to respond to a friend's email because you have to resist the urge not to give him or her writing suggestions and not to proofread his or her spelling and punctuation.
  • In spite of finding a good job, good students, your own home, and a solid footing at last, and in spite of intense scholastic burnout, you still find yourself filling out graduate school applications to get a PhD.  You can only stop yourself from sending them off when you remember the hellishness of writing a 50-page thesis and you further remember that you'd have to write a 100-page dissertation.  You still have to keep yourself from picking the application back up and sending it out, anyway.
  • You realize that your blog has become nothing more than a day-by-day account of teaching, how tired you are, and when your dog wags her tail harder than normal.  It's official--you have no life.


hippie_mama said...

Ahh, but your lack of a life is so well-written. Surely that makes up for everything. ;)

Kayla-chan said...

That was absolutely hilarious.... It's comforting to know that students aren't the only ones going mad.
One particular math test caused me to try and open my locker with the combo. A=πr^2.
Multiple times.