Maybe it's the acid churning in my stomach since this morning when I took two Aleve without enough food on my stomach, but I definitely am feeling a sense of "not good enough." It's silly, I know, and I completely recognize (and chuckle at) the irony that just three posts ago I roared with feminine independence. Still, head knowledge does little to dissipate the sense of frustration that I feel at the moment.
Yes, friends, it's been awhile, but it's going to be another single rant. I realize they're not my most popular posts, but what is a blog journal for if not for getting emotions off my chest and metaphorically clunking my head on the proverbial wall? So, bear with me, I beg.
I don't necessarily regret not having been in a serious relationship up to this point. Well, for one thing, it's not like I chose it, but I also realize that it's saved me a certain amount of heartache and temptation that I have a sinking suspicion might be a very intense temptation on my part. What I do regret, however, is that I've not actually dated. Again, not my choice, so regret might not be the optimal word here, but hey, it's midterm season, and my mind is a little on the shaky side these days. I feel like, to some degree, it has stunted my emotional growth. Truthfully, I wouldn't recognize a guy showing interest in me if it happened. It doesn't help, either, that while I've overcome much of my shyness from grade school and high school, I still find myself doing the "duck and run" after one good conversation with a guy in whom I've developed a romantic interest. I don't exactly give these gents much of a chance. With the exception of the relationship I have with my mom, when it comes to difficult situations, I tend to be on the flee side of flight or fight.
I'm stuck in a vicious cycle. I'm so afraid of rejection now, having experienced it so consistently over the years, that I instinctively run away from any opportunities of allowing a good guy to, well, not reject me for once. And I hate it.
I guess if God has romance in mind for me (marriage, love, etc.), He's going to have to give the guy some serious pursuit instincts in order to get past my idiocy.
So yeah, here I am, in the tenth year of writing on this blog, and I'm still saying, "Oh, woe, I'm [insert age here] and still single!" My perspective has matured enormously over the years (I know, for example, that it's not a bad thing), but the ache has gotten worse. I guess it would help if I'd at least get to go out on a coffee date now and again, just to give me that little bit of confidence in my, shall we say, allure.
It's kind of funny, actually. Today at the park, someone was talking about being 25 and feeling a little outside the loop as many people in her class were talking about their spouses. I couldn't resist interjecting with, "Don't feel bad... I'm 26 and, and I've yet to go on a date, much less consider marriage." At that moment, I heard a very genuine "Whoa" or "Wow" out of the guy involved in the conversation.
I pretended not to notice. :)
Okay, here come the comments. Guys, remember, I am aware that singleness is a blessing, and that this is far better than being in a crappy relationship, and that, God willing, when the time is right, Mr. Right will come marching in my life. Just to be clear on that. But like I said, the ache is there, as well as the frustration, and geez louise, it would be nice to go out on an occasional Friday night for a first or second date, even if it never goes any further. I'm just sayin'.
Over and out.