Sunday, February 28, 2010

[Oh, the Irony.]

Maybe it's the acid churning in my stomach since this morning when I took two Aleve without enough food on my stomach, but I definitely am feeling a sense of "not good enough."  It's silly, I know, and I completely recognize (and chuckle at) the irony that just three posts ago I roared with feminine independence.  Still, head knowledge does little to dissipate the sense of frustration that I feel at the moment. 

Yes, friends, it's been awhile, but it's going to be another single rant.  I realize they're not my most popular posts, but what is a blog journal for if not for getting emotions off my chest and metaphorically clunking my head on the proverbial wall?  So, bear with me, I beg.

I don't necessarily regret not having been in a serious relationship up to this point.  Well, for one thing, it's not like I chose it, but I also realize that it's saved me a certain amount of heartache and temptation that I have a sinking suspicion might be a very intense temptation on my part.  What I do regret, however, is that I've not actually dated.  Again, not my choice, so regret might not be the optimal word here, but hey, it's midterm season, and my mind is a little on the shaky side these days.  I feel like, to some degree, it has stunted my emotional growth. Truthfully, I wouldn't recognize a guy showing interest in me if it happened.  It doesn't help, either, that while I've overcome much of my shyness from grade school and high school, I still find myself doing the "duck and run" after one good conversation with a guy in whom I've developed a romantic interest.  I don't exactly give these gents much of a chance.  With the exception of the relationship I have with my mom, when it comes to difficult situations, I tend to be on the flee side of flight or fight. 

I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.  I'm so afraid of rejection now, having experienced it so consistently over the years, that I instinctively run away from any opportunities of allowing a good guy to, well, not reject me for once.  And I hate it. 

I guess if God has romance in mind for me (marriage, love, etc.), He's going to have to give the guy some serious pursuit instincts in order to get past my idiocy. 

So yeah, here I am, in the tenth year of writing on this blog, and I'm still saying, "Oh, woe, I'm [insert age here] and still single!"  My perspective has matured enormously over the years (I know, for example, that it's not a bad thing), but the ache has gotten worse.  I guess it would help if I'd at least get to go out on a coffee date now and again, just to give me that little bit of confidence in my, shall we say, allure. 

It's kind of funny, actually.  Today at the park, someone was talking about being 25 and feeling a little outside the loop as many people in her class were talking about their spouses.  I couldn't resist interjecting with, "Don't feel bad... I'm 26 and, and I've yet to go on a date, much less consider marriage."  At that moment, I heard a very genuine "Whoa" or "Wow" out of the guy involved in the conversation. 

I pretended not to notice. :)

Okay, here come the comments.  Guys, remember, I am aware that singleness is a blessing, and that this is far better than being in a crappy relationship, and that, God willing, when the time is right, Mr. Right will come marching in my life.  Just to be clear on that.  But like I said, the ache is there, as well as the frustration, and geez louise, it would be nice to go out on an occasional Friday night for a first or second date, even if it never goes any further.  I'm just sayin'. 

Over and out.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

[Couch Love and Spay Day]

I got a new couch today!!!  It's the perfect color of red, and I feel a renewed excitement about my gradual decor morph.  Yay!








Also, Sassy is in a contest for the Humane Society, in honor of Spay Day.  Care to vote?

https://photocontest.humanesociety.org/contest.html?page=viewInd&id=77510&contestId=2

Now, I must go back to enjoying having somewhere to sit besides a recliner.  It's a good feeling.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

[Die, Monitor, Die]

I've officially had it with the flickering on my laptop monitor.  I called and spoke with my cousin who works for Hewlett Packard, told him the symptoms, and he concluded that repair would involve sending it in and money.  It'd be cheaper and less annoying to buy a new monitor for a desktop.  After some dramatic moments today, my parents told me that they would buy me a new desktop tower for my adoption birthday in May, so really, I'm just helping out by buying a new monitor now.  I'd need it then, anyway.

It'll be here Friday.

Yeah... it's just been that kind of week.

Monday, February 22, 2010

[Die, Winter, Die!]

Seriously, it's time for spring, allergies and all.  I don't think I ever experienced a winter this intense or enduring even in Kirksville.

On a more positive note, last night's romp caught on camera:

Friday, February 19, 2010

[Roar. That's Right, Roar.]

Two green orbs are hanging around in my living room.  A glow emanates from the center of each orb.  One hovers above my television, and the other hovers in the adjacent corner.

Don't call the Ghost Hunters team, though.  They're just paper lanterns...

that I put up by myself!

I may be a girl, and an academic girl at that, but I'm pretty handy around the house.  I can assemble bookshelves on my own.  I can hang lanterns from the ceiling (and assemble the anchors in the ceiling).  I can put together a bed by myself, as well as a coffee table, a buffet, and two end tables.  I know how to check my own oil, cook killer brownies, tackle almost every recipe I find, cook a holiday meal by myself (in time), and decorate a house (when I've got the means to do so). 

I am independent woman.  Hear me roar.  I need no man.  Okay, I'd like to date someone sometime, but I don't need to. 

It's a good feeling.  Satisfying.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

[Stunningly Beautiful Day!]

Fifty degrees.  Fifty freakin' degrees.  What an amazingly gorgeous day!

Sassy and I walked to the dog park.... I'm pretty sure it's at least a mile total, if not more, so I have a feeling my legs are going to protest tonight.  Then, at the park, Sassy played ball (and a little bit with the other pups) for about two and a half hours again.  She got all of two feet in the door and she plopped.  She hasn't moved once since except to see what I was getting in the kitchen.  All in all, I'm feeling refreshed, a little tired, and glad to soak up a little sunlight.  I do have a headache, and I need to grab some munchies, but it's a good tired headache and a satisfied hunger.  I can't ask for much more!

Time to go get some noms.  :)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

[Sunshiny Winter Day Meanderings]

I do believe I was wise to call off class tonight.  My throat's scratchier than it was earlier, so I suspect my voice needs a good break.  I'm just going to curl up with a warm drink, my computer, my novel notes, and Ghost Hunters on SyFy.  I'll devote my evening tomorrow to grading.  Tonight, I need to keep my stress level down and my antibodies up. 

Sassy and I spent nearly three hours at the park today.  She did not want to leave, either.  She had ball-retrieval tunnel vision, interrupted only briefly with the appearance of her dog park boyfriend, Strider.  Suddenly, she was quite ready to wrestle, not fetch.  It's really funny to watch those two.  They're perfectly matched for energy, play style, and size (Sassy's bigger, but a little lower energy, so they balance out).  She's never quite sure what to think of dogs bigger and more hyper than her, such as the one-year-old Great Dane named Scooby Doo.  He definitely overwhelmed her yesterday. 

You know, I wonder if my family's and my perspective on "high energy" have become skewed having had Sassy II at such an old age.  She was slower, but she was also 14 and a half when she died, so quite a bit of our canine memories have to do with an older, mature dog.  This Sassy might really just be middle of the road after all, especially when she gets the exercise she needs.  Time and nice weather will probably answer that question.

I'm playing some "dog calming" music (revised classic pieces that have been slowed down in spots and lowered in tone to be more soothing to a dog's ear), and Sassy is out like a light.  Of course, she is quite wiped out from her three hour romp today (which she realized upon leaving the park), but not 30 seconds after I hit play, she stopped watching me like a hawk and just relaxed. 

Actually, I'm feeling pretty relaxed, too.  There's something about the classical violin paired with a gentle piano tune.  *inhale......... exhale*

I wonder how many messages and wall posts I'm going to get on Facebook from friends who didn't notice my repeated "I'm taking a Lenten break from FB and Twitter" status updates over a two-day period.  :)

It's cold out, but aesthetically, it is a beautiful day.  The sun is trickling through my white blinds, giving the rooms such a warm light that absolutely lifts the spirits.  It's just a nice day to sit and... be.

[By George, I Think She's Got It!]

Other than some minor tinkering, I've got my new look!  Bright and cheery without being blinding. 

In other news, the throat is sore and tonight classes are cancelled.  I can talk for an hour, but four hours of lecturing?  I'd have no voice left by morning.  At any rate, it gives me a chance to focus on grading and cleaning--both increasingly necessary. 

In spite of the scratchy throat, Sass and I are going to spend a couple hours at the dog park this afternoon (But shhh!  Don't say those words out loud, or I'll have no peace!).  The weather's warmer (37 high!  Whoo-hoo!  Yeah, it's been that kind of winter...), and I hate to let a sunny, warm (relatively speaking) go to waste.  Sassy needs to run and romp and wear herself out, and it never hurts to meet new people.  Who knows who I might meet by chance or fate?  Ha.  Well, I have seen at least one cute, single guy there already, and hello? Fellow dog lover?  Sounds like a good place to meet someone.  If I don't, that's okay too... I've already made friend-friends with some fellow lady dog owners.  I can't go wrong getting to know new people!

I'm itching to get my hands on some wall paint.  My walls are so hopelessly white (with beige trim... go figure).  However, I need to wait until warm weather.  I do have a new couch on the way within the next couple of weeks.  It's, get this, salsa red.  I can't wait to have a place to stretch out in the living room.

Yup, I'm excited.  I'm also going to have teal walls and light/lime green accents. 





And the dining room:




My bedroom is already set as:


My kitchen will have the same color scheme as the dining room, but green will be the main color and orange will become an accent. 

The office and spare bedroom are still kind of up in the air, though I'm toying with yellow, purple, and green--purple being the main bedroom color and yellow being the main office color.

Yes, I am that nerdy.  Thank you. 

I'll start posting pictures once I've got paint on the walls as each room is complete. 

Over and out.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

[Tinkering]

As you can see, I've been tinkering with my blog template.  The old one finally lost its appeal (in spite of my ongoing love for all things U.K.).  I like the colors on this, but I do think that it's a bit... bright... really, for me.  So over the course of the next few weeks, you may see many changes (including title, tagline, and color), so don't be thrown off.  It's still me... I'm just trying to find the right reflection of me.

Edit: I've personalized it and toned down the colors... it's not quite right yet, but it's much closer.

Monday, February 15, 2010

[Writing and Lent]

We haven't been to the dog park since Saturday, and it's beginning to show.  I caught Sassy digging right next to the fence, and she only gets destructive when she's bored and not burning off excess energy.  Without a doubt, however cold it may be tomorrow, we've got to spend an hour or two running at the park.  If she got out... *shudder* I don't even want to imagine.  Ugh.  We definitely need a break in this nasty weather so we can get into a good habit of getting out and moving as much as possible. 

I actually had a decently productive four-day weekend for once... I could have done more, but my to-do list finally shrank rather than grew, which is the opposite of what's been happening for awhile. I think I may be getting into a solid routine, at last. 

Twitter has been my blogging bane.  I've come so far in mastering expressing myself in 140 characters or less that I've temporarily lost my ability to dig deeper.  It may be time for a Twittering break until I can regain my writer self.  After all, how hypocritical is it to encourage my students to write when I myself have done so little of it in the past few months?  I even had a novel starting to take shape in my mind, but I've lost sight of the creativity involved in writing it.  I like Facebook and Twitter--don't get me wrong.  But they do have this ability to overfeed the pack mentality and to detract from creative art and independent expression. 

Coming down off of my new-job-and-new-home elation, I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of disconnect.  For one thing, I don't have any new goals (outside of a promotion from part-time to full-time), and I worry that I may slip into too much of a comfortable routine.  While I'm glad--no, overjoyed--to have the stress of job-searching and living with my parents off my shoulders, I need that little bit of an end goal to keep my psyche moving forward.  The last thing I need is to get stuck in a rut.

This entry, by the way, is a good illustration of how far I've fallen away from my self-expressing writing abilities.  Where are the transitions?  Where are the interesting thoughts?  Where are my theological meanderings and humorous creativing non-fiction bits?  Be patient, dear readers... it may take me awhile to get back into the mode.  It will happen, though.  Just a little bit of self-discipline and... hey!  Lent is coming up.  I'm not Catholic or a member of any other traditional liturgical denominations, but I think it might healthy--mentally and spiritually--to step away from Twitter and *deep breath* Facebook for forty days. 

Yeah.  I think I will.  Facebookers and Twitterers will have to find me by email, phone, or Blogger for the next month starting Wednesday.  Maybe I can find something worth saying for once and rediscover my spiritual passion.  I've definitely lost a lot of that lately. 

Peace be with you and yours.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

[Eep! Slacker!!!]

Yes, I'm a slacker, though for once, I'm a slacker due to busyness rather than just not wanting to publicize my depression.  Here's an update:

I've started my job!  So far, it's going pretty well, though like anything, I have my frustrations with it.  Teaching a developmental writing couse, I often feel like I'm learning almost as much about grammar as my students!  Of course, I instinctively employ many of these rules as I write, but have you ever tried to explain a skill you've used since childhood?  It's not always easy, that's for sure!

I love love love my new house.  Yes, there are things I want to (and will) change, but it's perfectly suited for me and Sassy.  Well, it will be when we put in a back door and some stairs down into the yard.  I must admit, I'm not a fan of having to go to basement and up the cellar stairs to let the dog out.  Still, it's comfy, the right size for a single lady starting out in life, and I love its old-home charm and modern conveniences.  I may not jump for joy, though, when I receive my first utility bill this month... I don't get my first paycheck until the 22nd! 

Sassy has matured amazingly.  She's still jumpy and overexcitable (and pees whenever she meets someone!), but on the whole, she's calmer, more obedient, and soooo much less destructive.  I'm even considering buying her a new bed-pillow to replace the one she shredded in late December or early January.  I've only had one thing damaged so far, and once she discovered how I felt about that (wrath! fury! don't-you-ever-chew-on-my-house-again-or-I'll...!), she confined her chewing to her own toys.  I no longer feel ironic for calling her "Angelface." Personally, I think she's just feeling more comfortable getting more consistency and calmer discipline (and affection, of course!). 

The projects and schoolwork march on, however, and my parents are up here at my house for the week tackling projects while I spend my entire days teaching and in student conferences.  I have a crazy schedule, and when I add in three full days of conferences, well, let's just say I'm glad it's a four-day-weekend this weekend for me!

I am starting to get a sore throat and leaky nose, so it's time for a long weekend to regroup myself. 

In the meantime, I keep hoping for a break in the winter blizzards, storms, and deep freezes so that Sassy and I can spend some time over at the dog park.  She's been a couple of times, and last time, she got to play with a younger boy dog, which she loved.  The boy dog's owner and I both left the park that day covered in mud from the chest down.  They had that much fun.

Oh, Sassy's a year old now.  Can you believe it?!  She celebrated her first birthday on the first of this month.  She may not be a ball of fat fuzz, but she's grown into such a beautiful dog!