Monday, November 17, 2008

[The Proverbial Straw]

I just want to quit.  I don't know what--maybe everything.  It's a little thing, finding out that one is teaching English 110 and nothing else for the fourth semester and that said person is the only second-year GA still in that boat.  It's probably nothing personal and simply a scheduling issue.  But on top of everything else, it's just made me snap. 

*I'm so far behind I don't know how I'll ever catch up--and the more stressed I get, the harder it is to sit down and tackle the mountain.
*I didn't hear from the doctor today, so I still don't know if/when I'm having surgery--and I need it.  This damned meningocele has doubled in diameter in the past two years, and it's causing a lot of problems
*The problems having to do with the meningocele... cramps, indigestion, bladder issues...
*I'm still not bouncing back from my myelogram.  My head goes on spnning and my back goes on spasming.
*I still haven't heard from the doctor and I JUST WANT AN ANSWER!
*I worry about my parents worrying.
*I feel horribly guilty for the expenses me, my life, and my health are incurring on my parents.  It's hard enough making ends meet without my issues.

I'm so depressed right now.  I feel hemmed in on every side.  People tell me that they admire my spirit and courage--what spirit?  what courage?  I hate this.  I hate this.  I hate this.  If it were just one thing, I could deal, but it's everything at once.

I want my Sassy.

I miss my mom.

I feel like crap.

I feel trapped. 

Why am I at MSU?  Why am I having another surgery?  Why can't I get an answer and a surgery date?

I want to quit... but what can I quit?  I can't quit school--I'm a GA, so my decision would affect my students.  I have no teaching certificate, so I can't get a teaching job without my master's degree.  I'm not qualified for anything else, and I'm not physically capable of working another type of job, between my back and my migraines. 

I'm at wits end right now.  Intellectually, I know that God is in control.  I really do.  But my emotions aren't getting the message. 

Why didn't the doctor call?

Am I a bad teacher?

I'm tired... and I don't have time to be.

Yeah, that smile?  The result of being trapped.  What am I going to do?  Throw a fit?  What good will it do?  It'll just make people worry without cause.  So I smile.  I do what I must.  But I'm tired.  And I can't stop crying. 

I want my puppy, dammit.  I miss my baby.

Meh, I'll probably wake up in good spirits and everything working out fine tomorrow morning.  But right now, I just want to knock myself out somehow. 

I think I'll go puke now.

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