Wednesday, February 13, 2008

[I'm Where I'm Meant to Be]

I've fallen back in love with music.  So many songs I've come across recently really verbalize the struggles I detect in my life and the lives of those around me, and it's all filling my heart with, in the words of Anne Shirley, "that queer ache."  I can't bear the silence anymore... and it's odd, since for about six months or so, noise drove me nutso.  I guess I have so much going through my head that focusing on another's words, I don't have to have my mind and heart torn a thousand directions at once.

In spite of all my self-doubt and paranoia, I know I'm where I'm supposed to be.  In church, for example, it seems like every week the sermon or Bible study touches on the very things plaguing my life.  The friends I'm making are amazing.  This week, for the first time in weeks, I've had a couple of days when I haven't given in to the lies.  Because of my friends' prayers, I've been able to silence the voices trying to lead me down the wrong path.  God really has a plan for my existence, and I just hope that someday I'll learn to shut up and wait on His timing instead of giving in to my own impatience.  Sigh.  It's just harder than it sounds, right?  

I've had the hardest time making myself focus on what I need to do.  I have so many things on my "to-do" list that, well, it's like when my apartment is in such a state of chaos when I go to clean it and instead just panic because I don't know where to begin.  Frustrating.  

Tomorrow is Singles' Awareness Day (since I'm writing this well after midnight), or more commonly known as Valentine's Day.  I'm really having a hard time with it this year.  Maybe it's my age, maybe it's the recent plunge in my self-esteem, or maybe it's just me being ridiculous.  I don't really know.  I just know that it's getting old.  I just know that I dread the cultural submersion into hearts, flowers, chocolates, hand-holding, and lovey-dovey couples when I'm going home to an empty apartment.  I don't need a significant other to establish my identity--not at all.  I'm just ready for a break in the 24-year streak... a brief one, even.  Then again, as the cliche goes, be careful what I wish for, right?  It could very well come back and bite me in the arse.  

During my rational moments, such as this one, I can remember that He knows better than I do what is right and good for my life.  I really do realize this.  Blame the insanity on hormones and too many romantic movies on television this week... month... year...  

Well, I need to head to campus a little early tomorrow to print stuff off and make copies, so I probably should stop procrastinating on sleep.  My head feels like it's about to spontaneously combust, anyway.  It's been a hardcore migraine week, so I should probably stop egging them on.  Good night, my lovelies!  Happy S.A.D.!

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