My whole life right now is school. Sunday morning, I go to church, but the rest of the week, I read, I write, I study, and I go to class. Period. Socialization? Ain't happenin'. And, if you know me, you know that sort of existence tends to have a rather detrimental effect on my psyche.
Sure enough, I've been dealing with the old "singleness depression" that comes back to haunt me every month or two. In fact, Saturday night, I was up late praying about how I'm tired of not dating--ever. I'm tired of having had a solid 24 year dateless streak. Even most of the ones who claim to have never had a significant other generally have gone a few dates or have had one of those awkward elementary/middle school hand-holding "boy/girlfriends." Me, not even that. So after whining about that on Saturday night, I go to church Sunday morning, and guess what the sermon contained? A point on God's timing. In face, Rich came out and said almost word-for-word the thoughts that had been going through my mind the night before. "Some of you are tired of waiting. You want to get married now, but you're not even in a relationship. Maybe you aren't even dating."
Amazing, isn't it? It's like God was reminding me that He really does listen to and care about my longings. He's not just shrugging it all off until He's good and ready to let me find Mr. Right. There is a reason that I'm single now and have been all my life. He's got a purpose, but that doesn't mean He doesn't understand my frustrations or my loneliness. He understands more than I do, and He knows how hollow the words "wait on God's timing" sound at this point in my life. Yes, they do still sound hollow, even when it's apparently a message directly from God in response to my prayer. I understand that I have to wait and that there is a good reason for the delay; that, however, does not detract from the loneliness. It's there, and there it will remain (in varying degrees, depending on my moods (and hormones, if I'm really honest)) until the time is right. It hurts, and God understands that. He's not just ignoring my pain or expecting me to forget about those feelings. But He does ask me to trust Him, lean on Him, and curb my anger.
Ugh, I got hit with a good one today. Usually, all I get is a perpetually recurring headache on the left side of my head, but when I'm getting a hardcore, I get dizzy and lose my ability to concentrate.
This afternoon, I was teaching my two freshman comp classes; during the first class, my thoughts flowed clearly and my students seemed to respond well to my explanations. The second class, which is immediately next, I could not explain anything to save my life. I kept trying to pass out the same worksheets I'd passed out 2 minutes before. I think my students were getting concerned; I know I was.
Then, I got home, and the pain hit. Fortunately, Aleve took care of the pain (for once), but I still had a 6:30-9:30 class left. I almost didn't go, and it's a good thing I did--the discussion was Pride and Prejudice, which I pretty much know like the back of my hand. Still, my head is spinning like a top, and I'm putting off responding to student emails until tomorrow morning.
You all are used to me saying silly things. Okay, they are too, but still... I need to maintain some level of dignity!