Tuesday, February 20, 2007

[Trapped--Again]

So here's the problem, the real one, with living at home: I lose my capacity to make independent decisions... I really do. Oh, I may cry and argue with Mom and Dad, but ultimately, I end up doing exactly what they suggest/demand. For example, I've been feeling like I'm supposed to go on the CCF Spring Break Trip again this year--this nagging, unceasing feeling in the pit of my stomach. I mentioned it to Mom. "Too bad... you ain't go the money." I wait a little while and try to explain to her that I really feel like I'm supposed to go. "Well what do you expect me to do? I ain't got the money either." Period. No room for conversation. I'm 23 years old, and I still won't dare do anything against her wishes as long as I'm living here. Every time I come home, if I've made a decision while at school or living on my own, if it goes against Mom or Dad's preferences, no matter how certain I was before, I end up doing exactly what they want. I planned to never be a teacher and I planned to wait a year or two before heading for my master's--2 months later, I've applied to grad school for fall, I'm substitute teaching, and I'm planning to go be a professor.

Dammit, I just want to make my own choices, right or wrong... or follow my own convictions and take a leap of faith. But somehow, they always manage to sway me.

I'm sorry, but I'm just very frustrated right now, and I need to get out of here... badly.

No comments: