Tuesday, February 20, 2007


So here's the problem, the real one, with living at home: I lose my capacity to make independent decisions... I really do. Oh, I may cry and argue with Mom and Dad, but ultimately, I end up doing exactly what they suggest/demand. For example, I've been feeling like I'm supposed to go on the CCF Spring Break Trip again this year--this nagging, unceasing feeling in the pit of my stomach. I mentioned it to Mom. "Too bad... you ain't go the money." I wait a little while and try to explain to her that I really feel like I'm supposed to go. "Well what do you expect me to do? I ain't got the money either." Period. No room for conversation. I'm 23 years old, and I still won't dare do anything against her wishes as long as I'm living here. Every time I come home, if I've made a decision while at school or living on my own, if it goes against Mom or Dad's preferences, no matter how certain I was before, I end up doing exactly what they want. I planned to never be a teacher and I planned to wait a year or two before heading for my master's--2 months later, I've applied to grad school for fall, I'm substitute teaching, and I'm planning to go be a professor.

Dammit, I just want to make my own choices, right or wrong... or follow my own convictions and take a leap of faith. But somehow, they always manage to sway me.

I'm sorry, but I'm just very frustrated right now, and I need to get out of here... badly.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

[Sassy Versus Fancy]

Meet Sassy, my 13 year-old husky-corgi mix:

...and Fancy, my cousin Karyl's dog, a sweet-tempered Westie, who we are dogsitting until she recovers from her stroke:

Sassy, bless her heart, has been an only puppy all of her life, and she feels a sharp threat at the invasion of Fancy, who, bless her heart, just wants to play.
And thus the battle lines are drawn. Fancy prances up to Sassy, tail wagging, and tries to kiss Sassy's nose. Sassy turns her head in disdain. Fancy comes up behind the older, somewhat larger dog, intending to be less direct, and Sassy snarls. But bring out table food, and the uneasy truce is gone, as Fancy sits up and begs perfectly, and Sassy barks sharply, then crawls on my unsuspecting lap, to show that little white trespasser whose girl I am.
Dad and I are constantly torn between scolding and cracking up.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

I'm a Vista Fool!

Whoo-hoo! Nerdy Niki strikes again, with an almost-immediate upgrade to Windows Vista. That's my current desktop. Isn't it pwetty?!?!?! I felt like daisies today. Click on it if you want to see the full-size version.

Well, I know it's been awhile, and while nothing's really happened, too much has happened. Be praying for a dear old roomie of mine who lost a father this week. She's been through so much in the past few years.

Also, speaking of prayer, pray for my cousin Karyl, who had a major stroke this week. She's working on regaining her vocabulary, verbal memory, and use of her right hand, and she's been getting very frustrated. She told Mom (with whom she was raised as a sister) that she saw my mom (the other one, Michelle), who came and told her she would be fine. My mom has never really left us, has she? :) Gah, but I miss her.

So this week I'll start applying for grad schools. If I'm gonna teach, it's going to be at the college level... I'm afraid I'd slap the high schoolers--I found that out when I went old teachers a couple weeks ago. Well, at least I'm getting a break, which will help refresh my motivation levels. By August, I just might be ready!

I killed my pinky finger on Thursday. Dad and I were playing on the floor with my nutty dog, and smooth operator that I am, put my hand of the floor with my pinky bent--then I promptly sat my knee on the finger and leaned... with all my weight. Now my poor little digit is as large as my thumb and as blue (on the underside) as my hair was two months ago. Hellooo ice and bandages. And yes, it hurts. The almost-cruel irony is that I went outside in the snow, ran hard around the driveway twice (on several slippery planes) and did not so much as lose my footing. Then in the safe, warm security of my living room... well...

Welp, I think I'll head off to play with my new toy. Teehee!