Monday, October 23, 2006

[Overwhelming Uncertainty]

Knowing that pretty much every time I write on here in the midst of a nervous/emotional breakdown I end up regretting it, I'm writing anyway. I need to get it all off my chest before I burst.

I'm scared. Right or wrong, faithful or faithless, I'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to fail. I'm scared that everything I've done these past four and a half years is useless. I'm scared that I'm going to find myself alone. I'm scared that I'll spend the rest of my life in a job that sucks my soul dry. I'm scared of it all. I've got this overwhelming sensation that I'm going to screw up everything I try to do.

All my life, I've worked to overcome obstacles so I could live "normally." All I've ever really wanted was a complete life, full of those things that bring others joy (and pain). I'm willing to brave a broken heart to have known a little romance (but I've never gotten the chance yet). I realize I'm young, but I hate that I keep hoping for something that may never happen, and even if it does, will never completely fulfill me. I hate that while I believe in Jesus with all my heart and soul that I'm too much of an idiot to trust Him explicitly.

I also hate that whenever I do one of these vents, someone, instead of letting me have my cry, tries to comfort me with platitudes. They always mean the best, but the truth is, it feels like an attack, like they refuse to validate my very real hurts and fears. Dammit, I can't be happy all the time. I'm too human, and I get scared. Please don't tell me I'm doing something wrong. Whether it's true or not, it is NOT the right thing to say. Just because I'm scared or overwhelmed does not mean I don't believe. Even though I'm crying and trembling, I still have joy. I have not forgotten that. But joy and happiness are not synonymous. They never have been.

Right now, I don't need criticism; I need affirmation. All your criticism, however good-intentioned, only makes it worse. Trust me on this.

It feels like whatever decision I make, I let someone down.

I need to move on, to get on to the next phase, but all the same, the next phase has me petrified. My faith tells me that no matter what, God will put me where He wants me to be... and His will is perfect. And I do believe it. But that does not take away the fear.

I hate this not knowing. In six months, I'll look back and wonder why the hell I was so freaked out, but in six months, that's the thing: I'll be looking BACK. All my knowledge of this time and the near future will have the striking advantage of hindsight. Up until now, even when things down the road were quite uncertain, I at least had an inkling of my next step. But right now, I feel like I'm groping in the dark, unsure if there are spiders or a light switch up ahead. The only thing I'm fairly certain of is that I will graduate with a BA in English from Truman State University on December 16, 2006, and whatever happens next is, well, alone. I can't help but think that if I were taking this step with someone tangible, I'd feel a lot less scared. I know God's got my back, front, and sides, I really do, but nonetheless, I'm scared.

I know it's normal not to have any idea. For once I'm "normal" and it's no amount of comfort. Ironic, isn't it?

I've vented now, and I don't know how clearly I've explained my state of heart and mind. Either way, I've gotten some of it off my chest, and hopefully I'll fall asleep now.

Thanks for listening. Sometimes, that's what I need, no more and no less. That, and a hug.

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