It occurs to me that perhaps I've been a little too forward with my emotions, doubts, and fears lately. Perhaps I've scared a few of you off, and I'm dreadfully sorry about that. The thing is, though, that I consider my blog somewhere to just spill my guts, whether my emotions are "right" or not. I hate the idea of pretending everything is all fine and dandy when I don't even know which way is up. By choosing to be forthright in my confessions, though, I think I may give the impression that I've lost my joy or that I've abandoned my faith; I have not done either. Let's make that clear.
I write about my doubts because they're real. They may indicate a lack of trust, and if they do, well, that's something I'm aware of and am trying to learn to overcome. Nevertheless, I do not choose to pretend everything is great so I look "okay". On the one hand, I'm fine, I really am. Even during my emotional breakdowns, I know that God is in control and has my (and more importantly, His) best interests in mind. But that does not prevent me from getting upset or frightented. I'm human, I'm loaded with estrogen and the like, and while my common sense assures me that I'm alright, my emotions stubbornly beg to differ.
I think that's why it bothers me when people try to reassure me with advice or by reminding me that there's no need to worry. I'm perfectly aware of these things, but my emotions don't really take that hint very well. I understand that those who reassure me are trying to help and I DO appreciate it, immensely. But trust me when I say that a rational voice is nothing but irritation to a worked-up soul.
Anyway, I wanted to clear that up. I don't want to scare you away, my readers; but at the same time, I will not hold back from expressing these emotions. I want--no, I need--to be real. If you have trouble with that, I am sorry. If you don't want to read anymore, I understand completely. I do hope that you will continue to read what I write, however. Just don't expect to figure me out just yet; I'm working on that myself.