...so I'm not leaving you hanging on that last crazy-emotional entry. Sorry, kids... I'm artistic and, naturally, very dramatic. It's my curse. Anywho...
My hair's long enough for pigtails again! I feel like a girl again. I don't understand why I'm so pathetic, to be honest, where I don't feel feminine unless I can pull my hair back. After all, I don't think that when I see other ladies wearing short hair, but I guess it's a personal thing. Actually, I think I'm gonna grow it back out all the way and cut it off again. It's kind of fun to see people's expressions when I show up with 10 inches less hair.
I really am looking forward to having an income and a place of my own. It's trivial, but I really want a new bed. I have no headboard on mine (it's actually a trundle bed), and because the head of my bed is in front of the window, I can't lean my pillows against anything. If I try to lean against the window, well, I basically would fall between the bed and the window. It's a very Niki thing to manage to do. So, new bed, full size or larger, with a headboard. The rest of the stuff can be replaced quite gradually, as far as I'm concerned.
Ooh, speaking of bedrooms, I'm actually COLD tonight! It's awesome! I've spent the past three months in this room melting or surviving with the fan blowing directly on me all night, but tonight, it's slightly chilly! I love fall! Which, of course, means that it's 22 days until my birthday. Normally, I get completely psyched, and of course I'm excited, but the age thing feels so, well, dull. I mean, 23. It's such an in-between kind of year. But that's ok, it's still another year God's given me in this world, for better or for worse. That's plenty reason to praise.
As the semester progresses, I'm growing more and more ready for graduation. I'm ready to leave behind reminders of my crush (which is particularly crushing this month so far) and just plain get past school. I'm looking forward to using the time that I currently devote to homework (and procrastinating on it) to doing things like FINALLY teaching myself to play the guitar that's collecting dust in the corner and tackling oil painting projects. In a way, it'll be good for me to be on my own for awhile. My walk has become such a corporate-worship type of walk in the past couple years, and while having a group of people to keeping me accountable is good, too much can result (and has) in my neglecting one-on-one time with the Lord. So, as much as I love everyone here, I do realize that my time is drawing to a close, and I'm growing at peace with it.
Furthermore, I'm starting to believe (even if I don't like) the fact that it's probably never going to happen with me and The Boy. Either someday God's going to place a gentleman in my life who is right, or He'll teach me to find joy in my singleness. One of the things about the Church that drives me a little nuts is this lie that's floating around that, if the desire of your heart is a spouse, if you devote yourself enough to God, He'll send that one to you. It comes from that verse in Psalm that says that if you seek after God, He'll give you the desires of your heart. But if you're seeking after God, He'll give you that desire... Himself. It gets taken the wrong way. We don't know that He's going to give us earthly happiness. He never promised that. He promised joy and peace in the Spirit, but that does not denote earthly satisfaction or eventual relief for our longings.
I might marry someday (which I really do long for), but it's not promised. So enough of the false/dishonest hope!
Seek first Christ, not so He'll give you what you want, but so He'll give you what you need: Himself.