Thursday, August 31, 2006

[Request Wrought With Danger]

If you know me pretty well, you are aware that I'm a smidgen boy-crazy. I don't mean that I drool over men left and right, but I tend to fall really hard for one guy, and he sort of encompasses my thoughts. Ok, he really encompasses them. The thing is, part of it's fun... it's fun to daydream of him asking me out, gazing into my eyes (and of course me gazing riiiiight back), and so on. But the flipside is that I always end up brokenhearted... really brokenhearted. My mood becomes based on whether or not he spoke to me that day; and if he suddenly finds some sweet girl and dates her (often for several months), I find myself in the pits of despair. Thoughts of perpetual singleness and being unspeakably ugly or awkward fill my thoughts (against my will, so you know), and then when he's single again, I'm once again on top of the world. It's a vicious cycle. And every time I'm unintentionally rejected (because believe me, I couldn't dream of confessing my feelings without being directly asked... eep!), it hurts worse. Every birthday, though I tell myself not to think such things, I find myself wondering if this is going to be the year.

I'm doing a good long, hard look at myself this semester. I'm trying to confront these emotional and social banes that torment me. I tend play the blame game and pull the "it's not really my fault... this is just the way I am" excuse, and I tend to resent unasked-for advice (bad, I know, but I do these things). I'm trying to get past these things (as ever, but more proactively). The truth is, I myself am too weak to eradicate these things on my own. I have never been able to talk myself out of a crush; I tell myself not to get pissed off at people whose intentions are good but that I feel are overstepping their bounds, but I get pissed anyway. I cannot do these things on my own... I suck.

That's why I'm writing this. I'm praying, practically hourly whenever I catch myself doing these things (and sometimes more often than that!) that God will help me get past this crap, not necessarily tomorrow, but in the moment when I'm dealing with it.... one step at a time.

I want you to pray for me. This is scary... a dangerous thing for me to ask. Basically, I'm officially putting myself out there as someone who is working to get past these things and asking you to prayerfully keep me accountable, not by talking to me about it, but by praying, because this is going to be, at least for awhile, a G0d-help-me in my willpower. If you ask me now how I'm doing with it, and if you ask me probably anytime in the next few months, you're going to get the same answer: I'm way off. I'm needing supernatural help with this. And I'm giving up my "right" to be in like with guys until the time is right. That scares the hell out of me.

I cannot live this way, going from crush to crush with one broken heart after another (thus distracting me from the important things... and the important One), because it will probably destroy me from the inside out. It gets harder and harder as I grow older.

You could talk to me and give me advice all day long, but it wouldn't change anything. The change has to come from within, and I need God's help. I long to be a woman whose greatest passion is the Lord... and that's tough for me. Having a passion for Christ is easy. I'm a passionate person, very devoted, and also very eclectic. But to have Him as my overall, overpowering heart of hearts, that's completely contrary to my nature... but it's what I need and long for.

So please be praying for me. Pray for me as I lean on His grace in overcoming these vices. Pray for me to look at my current crush as my brother in Christ instead of my tendency to look at him as potentionally my future husband (yes, I'm that ridiculous). Pray for me that I'll be able to accept, with joy and peace, the fact that I may never marry, or even date for that matter. That one, I think, is the hardest one. Pray that fears, doubts, and pessimism would be replaced with trust, love, and joy, even when things suck. Finally, pray for sincerity rather than my masks.

This hurts.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

I'm praying for you, beautiful. :)