Thursday, August 31, 2006

[Request Wrought With Danger]

If you know me pretty well, you are aware that I'm a smidgen boy-crazy. I don't mean that I drool over men left and right, but I tend to fall really hard for one guy, and he sort of encompasses my thoughts. Ok, he really encompasses them. The thing is, part of it's fun... it's fun to daydream of him asking me out, gazing into my eyes (and of course me gazing riiiiight back), and so on. But the flipside is that I always end up brokenhearted... really brokenhearted. My mood becomes based on whether or not he spoke to me that day; and if he suddenly finds some sweet girl and dates her (often for several months), I find myself in the pits of despair. Thoughts of perpetual singleness and being unspeakably ugly or awkward fill my thoughts (against my will, so you know), and then when he's single again, I'm once again on top of the world. It's a vicious cycle. And every time I'm unintentionally rejected (because believe me, I couldn't dream of confessing my feelings without being directly asked... eep!), it hurts worse. Every birthday, though I tell myself not to think such things, I find myself wondering if this is going to be the year.

I'm doing a good long, hard look at myself this semester. I'm trying to confront these emotional and social banes that torment me. I tend play the blame game and pull the "it's not really my fault... this is just the way I am" excuse, and I tend to resent unasked-for advice (bad, I know, but I do these things). I'm trying to get past these things (as ever, but more proactively). The truth is, I myself am too weak to eradicate these things on my own. I have never been able to talk myself out of a crush; I tell myself not to get pissed off at people whose intentions are good but that I feel are overstepping their bounds, but I get pissed anyway. I cannot do these things on my own... I suck.

That's why I'm writing this. I'm praying, practically hourly whenever I catch myself doing these things (and sometimes more often than that!) that God will help me get past this crap, not necessarily tomorrow, but in the moment when I'm dealing with it.... one step at a time.

I want you to pray for me. This is scary... a dangerous thing for me to ask. Basically, I'm officially putting myself out there as someone who is working to get past these things and asking you to prayerfully keep me accountable, not by talking to me about it, but by praying, because this is going to be, at least for awhile, a G0d-help-me in my willpower. If you ask me now how I'm doing with it, and if you ask me probably anytime in the next few months, you're going to get the same answer: I'm way off. I'm needing supernatural help with this. And I'm giving up my "right" to be in like with guys until the time is right. That scares the hell out of me.

I cannot live this way, going from crush to crush with one broken heart after another (thus distracting me from the important things... and the important One), because it will probably destroy me from the inside out. It gets harder and harder as I grow older.

You could talk to me and give me advice all day long, but it wouldn't change anything. The change has to come from within, and I need God's help. I long to be a woman whose greatest passion is the Lord... and that's tough for me. Having a passion for Christ is easy. I'm a passionate person, very devoted, and also very eclectic. But to have Him as my overall, overpowering heart of hearts, that's completely contrary to my nature... but it's what I need and long for.

So please be praying for me. Pray for me as I lean on His grace in overcoming these vices. Pray for me to look at my current crush as my brother in Christ instead of my tendency to look at him as potentionally my future husband (yes, I'm that ridiculous). Pray for me that I'll be able to accept, with joy and peace, the fact that I may never marry, or even date for that matter. That one, I think, is the hardest one. Pray that fears, doubts, and pessimism would be replaced with trust, love, and joy, even when things suck. Finally, pray for sincerity rather than my masks.

This hurts.

Monday, August 28, 2006

[Allergies are the pits.]

I've sneezed at least twice today. No, really, that's a big deal for me. I don't often sneeze even once in a day, and twice very often equals pending disaster. But that's not the annoyance. I don't mind--er, well, I'm used to a stuffy/runny nose and obligatory hoarseness. No, the honest-to-goodness sucky part is when my ears get all funky and my equilibrium goes out the door. I was sitting down a while ago. All I did was turn my head the wrong direction, apparently, and I very nearly passed out. Eep! My roomies are going to kickboxing class, and I'd really like to go along, but I'm not sure that would be a smart thing to do with my head spinning.

Drama, drama, drama...

I heart new music. It just tickles my happy place. I got Kutless's Strong Tower in the mail today, and there's just no music that gets me quite like a driving guitar riff. Gah! An energetic drummer just completes it. Relatedly, I've decided my favorite instrumental combo is guitar and piano with a little bit of violin playing in the background. I just float away from earth when I hear it.

Oh, and I bought the wrong French workbook. Sucky, since I think I bought it about a month ago, past the return date, and now I'm buying a new one on top of it. Dangit, if I'm gonna waste money, I want to waste it on fun things, not buying two entirely-too-similar books for class.

What can I say? It takes skeeeeells, yo.

I'm making my brownies for the BBQ Wednesday night. Get excited.

In hindsight, wearing heels my first day back to class with too many books in my backpack was a dumb move. I got too excited that it was cool enough outside for jeans and boots. I'm actually not a fan of Missouri's extreme temps. My favorite season, hands-down, is autumn, especially around my birthday, not for the obvious reason, but because the weather is pretty much my ideal temperature and just overcast enough that it's ok that I forgot my shades yet again.

Ooh, speaking of my birthday (by the way, do I seem more talkative than normal today??), the Saturday beforehand, NEMO Fairgrounds will be holding the annual Galloway Scottish Games, and that's where I will be, lost in a happy place of bagpipes, clan tartans, and men who wear kilts. I think I have a new point on my checklist of my dream man (whom I doubt I'll ever find, but it's fun to think about): willing to wear a kilt. What can I say? I'm a proud Scotswoman. "By yon bonny banks and by yon bonny braes/Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond/Where me and me true love were ever wont to be/On the bonny bonny banks of Loch Lomond/Oh I'll take the 'igh road and ye'll ta'k the low road/And I'll be in Sco'tland a'fore ye/But me and me true love will ne'er meet again/On the bonny bonny banks of Loch Lomond!"


Well, I think I'll sign off now that you've become convinced that I'm certifiably nuts. Peace and Love, brothers and sisters!

Saturday, August 26, 2006

[Too Pooped to Pop] my dad likes to say. The final main activity of CCF Freshman Week SPECTACULAR!!! is currently wrapping up. I left early because (A) it's raining and I didn't want my camera to get wet and (2) my body is clearly telling me that it's had enough. My head's spinning, I'm fatigued, and my stomach's feeling a tad queasy. So I'm parked in bed, contemplating turning in rather early tonight. I had every intention of going to the Rec today to work out, but when my legs didn't even want to carry me upstairs, I had a feeling it would be wise to nix that notion.

I bought a TNIV Bible yesterday. I completely agree with those who say it's wise to have more than one translation when studying the Word... only problem is, up to now, I've only had the NIV (well, and the KJV, but that's sitting on my dresser back home). It should arrive in the mail Monday, along with the Kutless (Strong Tower) CD I ordered as well to tip my total over $25 (yay free shipping!).

I'm definitely not ready to leave Kirksville. It's become more "home" than home really is. I dunno, but I just never felt all that comfortable in Reeds Spring. I had some good friends and all, but I guess the lack of diversity and challenging my faith left me in a perpetual state of lukewarmness. Here, I've got plenty of struggle and plenty of friends who both challenge and encourage me. I really pray that I can find a similar community after college (meaning, find a church somewhere that has a strong 20-something ministry that's grounded in the Word and still compassionate toward the culture surrounding... a lot of churches have one aspect while compromising on the other).

So anyway, these things have been on my mind lately. I'm ready, so ready, to be finished with school and be in possession of a steady income, but I'm frightened of the unknown future. Perfectly normal, I know, and I know I need to lean on Christ and trust Him. Nevertheless, it's such a transitional period that I'm gonna be scared until I get settled in the next stage.

Well, you're probably bored reading this by now, so if you're still skimming this with semi-interest, I'll end the agony now. Much love!

Friday, August 11, 2006

[Return of the Redhead]

I'll be arriving back in Kirksville sometime during the afternoon of August 15th. Now you know, so no excuses!


Tuesday, August 08, 2006

[Long Overdue Update]

There! Now that I've finally finished my almost-midnight snack, I can get down to this way procrastinated entry. Yes, I'm lazy. That's my explanation about lack of returned emails, too... that, and really, honestly not knowing what to say. Anyway, here is a list of updates and answers to questions I've got on my mental checklist:

1. In answer to the lovely Miss Sarah's question about whether or not I can take my dog to school with me, that would be a no *sniffle*. My landlord strictly prohibits pets in the complex. That, by the way, sucks in my eyes, big time. *sigh* Oh, well.

2. I've got a job interview a week from tomorrow at Stage. Yay! It'd be quite lovely to not be pinching every penny I can. It's my last semester of school, maybe ever, and I'd like to enjoy it.

3. I finished reading Blue Like Jazz today. Absolutely fab. Like most people I know, I highly recommend it.

4. Gulliver's Travels is a very slow read. Interesting, but incredibly detailed. Best digested in 2 chapter chunks between other books.

5. I've lost 3 pounds this summer, and that's with me being at home with Mom's cooking (you know, the lady who fills your plate to the rim and asks if you want more ((and then can't understand why I gain weight))). Once I get back to my own cooking, I think I may lose quite a bit of weight (thank goodness!). Gaining 25-30 pounds in 2 years cannot be healthy.

6. Speaking of returning to my own cooking, I could leave tomorrow if I wanted to. Actually, I want to, but one of my friends is hoping I'll stick around long enough to break up the six hour drive (he hasn't been driving that long, so I guess that's why he's weak--er, I mean, not accustomed to such a drive).

7. (Related to the previous bit) I got a phone call last night from the dentist saying my final caps had come in and I could come in the next day and have them put on. I went to Springfield with Mom for a 10:00 appointment. Then we went suit shopping. My fashion gurus, Stacy and Clinton, might not completely approve of the choice (though it's not a terrible choice... just somewhat less than the perfect cut for me), but when shopping with my mother and the worst migraine of the summer, you just gotta settle. It's really not bad, but I think I could've found a better one... that's all. Really, I'm not that shallow.

8. Big zit on my cheek, and it kind of hurts.

9. Naturally, Mom wants to get a picture made of me tomorrow, just in time for the peak of the zittiness. Whoo-hoo!

10. A thought to ponder: Why can't dentists use warm air and warm water on patients' teeth? It took 3 minutes for my teeth to thaw out today, and then they came back for more. Normally, it's not so intense, but my teeth were more or less exposed, nerves and all, and I was not feelin' the love.

11. God is good. I really need to remember that He has not forgotten me... because when I remember and pray specifically, He is always true to answer. Oh, me of little faith!

12. Did I mention I went to Indianapolis last month to find out about going to England for campus ministry? Until I went, I was pretty sure that was going to be it, but now, though the people were wonderful, something in my heart says to keep looking elsewhere. Then I read an article by John Fischer (by the way, read Fearless Faith... excellent read!), and he was touching on the idea of people living their faith in the workforce, not preaching, but loving and respecting, and letting people know that Christianity is not the shallow Pat Robertson version that is so publicized, but it's people who are striving to mirror the Lord's compassion and patience. He said we need to try to be good people first, who happen to be Christians and thereby influenced by Him in our actions, rather than thinking we have to do overt ministry. By simply loving and dialoguing, we become the ministry! And I think God was trying to show me something here... go to work, make connections, live a life of love and generosity, and I'll probably have far more impact for Him, by His grace, than by working inside the Christian subcultural bubble. I'd still be a missionary, but not so overtly.
So the short version is, wait, see what happens, and let Him do the guiding. Gosh, it's so simple, but I'm still too thick-skulled to get the point sometimes!

13. Achoo! Allergies. They're back!

14. All my caps are on, so I can chew gum again!!! No more funky breath after eating out!

Alright, I've bored you enough. I'm out!