Saturday, May 06, 2006

[It's Weird]

God has this way of revealing wisdom to me, not necessarily through a quiet time or things I read (though He does a bit of revealing then, too), but rather when I'm trying to encourage a friend or impart some advice of some sort. See, this type of heart knowledge is not native to me. I'm not all-wise or some crap like that. But it's like He reveals these things that He thinks I need to be reminded of through my "own" words, by putting His words in my mouth or at my fingertips.

A few minutes ago, I read a friend's xanga entry. She's (and many of her friends) going through a time of confusion and struggle, feeling very helpless. She's a senior in high school, and I realized that what she was saying echoes true with me and has since around that time in my life. So to let her know I completely understand and that it's not all bad, I wrote her this:

"I know it's tough. I think I was at the end of my high school career or early in college when I started to go through that kind of stuff on a more extreme level, and it was frightening. The hard thing is that the struggles and questions don't go away. The cool thing is that, at least with me, I learned so much about myself and my faith--my faith just becomes more and more a real thing as I realize that the questions and doubts I have create in me a sincerity that wasn't there before. I learn that I don't get it (and probably never will), but in spite of all the confusion, doubts, and questions, I still believe and cannot do otherwise.

Confused and powerless can be good; after all, as Paul wrote, "But He said to me, 'My power is made perfect in your weakness.'...for when I am weak, then I am strong." It's when we've got nothing left, when we're at the end of our rope, that He uses us in the greatest ways."

When I lived at home, I'd grown up in the church, and really, at least on some level, I'd always believed in Christ. But a lot of my faith was a church faith. I believed because I was told. Of course, a lot of my faith was my own, but not completely. At this age, though, I started to experience doubt and a very humbling inferiority. That church faith was not enough. So I began to learn how to question Him with honest desire to know. I wanted to know why things are hard. I wanted to understand how heck He would allow us to live in a world where, if we don't choose Him, we're condemned. How is that Love?

Through this process, I learned that doubts and questions are not bad. Feeling helpless is horrifying, but He has this amazing ability to take us, when we have nothing good left to give, when we're angry and hurt and confused and powerless, and He shines through us in greater ways than ever. When we are sincere and nothing, that's when He can mold us the best. We have no choice but to give up the driver's seat and let Him steer. We've quit fighting for control because there's no fight left. And amazing things happen. "I become less that He may become more."

Amazing grace.

1 comment:

Luis said...

Yessss! that's what I say.