Sunday, May 28, 2006

[Quick Update]

I know I haven't written in a while. My room gets pretty hot during the day, even with the A/C on, and a few days ago I spied a big, black, speedy spider racing across my carpet. I missed it, saw it again later in my closet, and missed it again. I'm quite arachnophobic, and sleeping in a room where there is a known spider whose whereabouts are yet unaccounted for terrifies me. So, I've been sleeping on the living room couch until it cools off up here and one of two things occurs: I kill the evil arachnid or my sense of fear decides it's been long enough that I am over it.

I'm still looking for a job. Please, if you know of an available job in Kirksville, please let me know. I really would prefer not to go home to Branson this summer. Yuck. I love my parents, but I know I'd lose my mind living with them for three months.

I miss my roomies.

Well, I better take a shower and get some b-fast in my tummy before church.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

[Sincerity]

I think that one of the things that people learn to do as their faith grows more genuine and less "churchy" is to ask the questions that seem wrong. These are the questions that eat at our hearts and we try to stifle because they seem doubtful. We feel like if we ask these questions then we don't really have faith. But here's the thing... faith isn't about blind acceptance. It's about being at rock bottom with nothing left to give, no reason to believe, ACKNOWLEDGING our limitations, asking those questions TO GOD, those questions that express our anger and frustration, and then believing because there is no way not to believe. I honestly believe that it is a sign that we are being real in our faith when we go before Him and say (when we honestly feel this way), "Lord, I don't get this. I hate this, and I don't understand why you would let me (or that person) go through this crap. I don't want to deal with it! Lord, I want to understand, and Lord, I don't like this. I don't want to deal with it. Nevertheless, I'll trust You (even though, to be honest, I'm a bit miffed) because You do see the whole situation. And really, I can't do anymore than this... I'm at the end of my resources."

I love this David Crowder song... I need to get the album, or at least download the single.

Lord, I'm tired, so tired from walking
And Lord, I'm so alone
And Lord, the dark is creeping in, creeping up to swallow me
I think I'll stop, rest here a while
This is all that I can say right now and
This is all that I can give

And didn't You see me crying
And didn't You hear me call Your name
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to
I wish You'd remember where You sat it down

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that that was You holding me
I didn't notice You were crying too
I didn't know that that was You washing my feet

Friday, May 19, 2006

[That Kind of a Day]


Within an hour of waking up this morning (which officially happened at 7am, feeling like it was 10am, since I'd been waking up every 15-30 minutes since 4am), I had a toothache, I cut my heel (somehow... I'm not sure how), rammed my shoulder against a light switch, and fell down the stairs (not as far as the last time... only one or two steps, but definitely on my bum and quite hard). Upon my stumble, I concluded that it was time to crawl right back into bed, whatever lofty goals of job-hunting I may have had. With this type of a start, it's usually a pretty certain thing that if I go out the front door, catastrophe will follow.

I didn't stay in bed long (my room got pretty hot with the sun glaring in the window). I actually had to turn on the A/C today, or melt. Downstairs, it wasn't so bad, but up here on the second floor, well, it's still a little sweltering. Fortunately for now, though, there's a cool breeze blowing outside, and as my head is right by the window, it'll cool me off nicely.

I am bruised to bits from moving this past week. Each of my forearms has a welt, and I count two or three bruises on each of my thighs. It looks like I'm as coordinated as ever. I think I unconsciously started consuming more calcium with the idea in the back of my mind that, if I keep this up the rest of my life, I really don't need to be dealing with osteoporosis down the line. Eep.

I know. I'm complaining. What can I say? I've been by myself all week... the social skills are getting a little rusty.

I find myself missing my long hair... perhaps out of boredom and wanting to play with it.

Bedtime! Lo, how the mighty night owl has fallen!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

[Interesting Tidbit]

With a bedroom window that directly faces the east, I'm constantly amazed how early I start waking up. This morning, for example, I woke up for a few seconds around 5:30, looked outside, and saw the beginnings of a spectacular sunrise. However, having only been asleep for five and a half hours, I rolled over and went back to sleep. I kept waking up about every half hour, so I finally gave up at 7:30. This may be a good thing and a bad thing at once. Good, because I'm less likely to oversleep; bad, because of those nights I simply don't get to bed before midnight.

Oh, and I'm falling asleep faster. I haven't really had trouble asleep since school got out and I got everything moved in. As much as I try to go with the flow, school still manages to stress me out to my limit. One more semester, thank heavens, though I am so very much going to miss everyone here.

I did a couple of art/crafts projects yesterday. I bought a plain bulletin board, spray-painted the background purple and hand painted the frame green. It's the most professional-looking thing I've ever done, so I'm feeling happy. Also, I spray painted my lamps (green base, purple shade). The base turned out really cool, but because of the texture, the shades look kind of haphazard (of course, even when they were white they didn't look that great). I'm going to Home Depot today and see if I can find a large lamp shade to match my small lamp. I'm excited to have a room that mostly has the same color scheme throughout... instead of mass chaos thanks to all my mementos. Man, I love having a large closet! Oh, and it still looks organized. *bum-bum-bummmmmmmmm*

Alright, I better go run errands and see if I can get my butt hired somewhere. Man, job-hunting sucks.

Luego.

Monday, May 15, 2006

[Quick Update]

Alright, before I go back to placing my bedroom into a state of sanity, I want to do a quick update.

I'm fully moved (though a ways away from being settled in... I can't get to my bed). I got a desk today that took my parents 3 and a half hours to put together. Yeesh.

Visit me. You know you want to.

I have some decorative projects pending, finishing time based on weather.

And I hate money. Yuck. That's all I'll say for now. I'm off to organize.

Out.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

[Moving]

I think that there is just something desperately sad about an emptied-out room that's been so lived-in for well over a year.

At this point, I'll just be glad to get moved and settled in. White walls depress me.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

[Le Sigh]

I think one of the best thing about heaven (besides the Lord, of course) is going to be no more good-byes. CCF Senior Night gets tougher every semester, and next semester, it'll be me up there talking (and bawling).

CCFers, you all are so dear to me. There are no words.

French final in the morning. Still haven't studied, and I'm heading over to Debbie Webel's for doughnut night. Right now, my plan is about 4-5 hours sleep tonight, and a nap after work tomorrow. I refuse, point blank, to miss out on this opportunity to spend time with people I love. School does not and will not take priority over relationships. Grades matter for a little while, but friendship and love impacts a lifetime. No contest.

By the way, I'm still looking for a job, so any prayer about that would be most gratefully welcomed. I'd like to eat next semester.

[Happy Adoption Day to Me]

I have an 8-page paper due by 4:00 this afternoon. I have nothing useful to add to the five pages I've got. Therefore, I've decided that I'm going to settle for making it a full five pages that makes sense rather than 8 pages that are forced and probably contain info that has nothing to do with my argument.

I hate being sick... I can't think clearly, especially at this time of year.

Oh, I've been a Cox for 16 years today. Happy adoption birthday to me!

[To All You Wonderful Trumanites:]

A very merry Boo-yah!!!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

[How Deep the Father's Love for Us]

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away,
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory.

Behold the man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

[It's Weird]

God has this way of revealing wisdom to me, not necessarily through a quiet time or things I read (though He does a bit of revealing then, too), but rather when I'm trying to encourage a friend or impart some advice of some sort. See, this type of heart knowledge is not native to me. I'm not all-wise or some crap like that. But it's like He reveals these things that He thinks I need to be reminded of through my "own" words, by putting His words in my mouth or at my fingertips.

A few minutes ago, I read a friend's xanga entry. She's (and many of her friends) going through a time of confusion and struggle, feeling very helpless. She's a senior in high school, and I realized that what she was saying echoes true with me and has since around that time in my life. So to let her know I completely understand and that it's not all bad, I wrote her this:

"I know it's tough. I think I was at the end of my high school career or early in college when I started to go through that kind of stuff on a more extreme level, and it was frightening. The hard thing is that the struggles and questions don't go away. The cool thing is that, at least with me, I learned so much about myself and my faith--my faith just becomes more and more a real thing as I realize that the questions and doubts I have create in me a sincerity that wasn't there before. I learn that I don't get it (and probably never will), but in spite of all the confusion, doubts, and questions, I still believe and cannot do otherwise.

Confused and powerless can be good; after all, as Paul wrote, "But He said to me, 'My power is made perfect in your weakness.'...for when I am weak, then I am strong." It's when we've got nothing left, when we're at the end of our rope, that He uses us in the greatest ways."

When I lived at home, I'd grown up in the church, and really, at least on some level, I'd always believed in Christ. But a lot of my faith was a church faith. I believed because I was told. Of course, a lot of my faith was my own, but not completely. At this age, though, I started to experience doubt and a very humbling inferiority. That church faith was not enough. So I began to learn how to question Him with honest desire to know. I wanted to know why things are hard. I wanted to understand how heck He would allow us to live in a world where, if we don't choose Him, we're condemned. How is that Love?

Through this process, I learned that doubts and questions are not bad. Feeling helpless is horrifying, but He has this amazing ability to take us, when we have nothing good left to give, when we're angry and hurt and confused and powerless, and He shines through us in greater ways than ever. When we are sincere and nothing, that's when He can mold us the best. We have no choice but to give up the driver's seat and let Him steer. We've quit fighting for control because there's no fight left. And amazing things happen. "I become less that He may become more."

Amazing grace.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

[Jehovah Jireh!]

The LORD provides!!! One paper moved back to next week, a ton of pressure relieved! Praise His name!!!

Oh, I got my South Beach Diet cookbooks today from Amazon. Andrea and Sunny, we should flip through and decide which recipes appeal to all of us, and I'd be glad to cook them. It's more fun to cook for 3 than for one. And some of these look downright heavenly.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

[Is the room supposed to be spinning?]


Being sick frustrates me. Whenever I choose to stay home because I feel like crap, I get this nagging feeling that I'm just making up an excuse, that I'm being a wuss.

I tried to go to church tonight. I got there, and at first, I was ok. But a couple minutes after I sat down, I was slightly shaking. I decided I would leave after greeting time (because I know people have been wondering about my absences). So, to allow others to have my seat, I got up and stood in the back. Soon, I was sweating, my heart wouldn't stop racing, and I was breathing hard. As greeting time wrapped up, I shuffled to my car and went home. I even had a hard time trying to get my car to go faster than 20 mph. I came home and basically collapsed into bed.

Do you know what I wish? I wish I could lay in bed when I'm sick like this, just lay here and rest, without hearing some voice in my head tell me I should be getting something done. I feel guilty for being sick! How ridiculous is that? Why should I feel bad when I try to do some homework and my head starts to spin?

It's frustrating. I need the rest, because though I'm doing better, I'm not nearly well yet.

[Today]


My bed and I got really well-acquainted today. I think I tried to do too much yesterday and ended up taking about two steps back. I seem to have a problem with being sick (besides the obvious, of course). If I'm feeling under the weather, the anal get-something-accomplished side of me (which, oddly enough, sounds a lot like my parents' voices) is accusing me of being a hypochondriac or a wuss. But here's the thing: I've been sick so many times over the years that I really can tell the difference between a case of the sniffles or allergies and actually being sick. There's this inner sense that says "bleh" when something is wrong with me. See, I don't run fevers, very rarely anyway (though I've got a small one today), and my blood pressure and the like rarely move out of the normal ranges. So when I'm sick, I can tell when it's harder for others to see (though, when they look closer, they usually find out I wasn't playing sick).

Once again, nothing was accomplished today. I really hope I can get somewhere on my papers tomorrow.

Anyway, good night. That's my update. Over and out.

Monday, May 01, 2006

[Update]

Ok, it's not the mumps. I have some type of laryngitis and an ear infection. The location of the infection was what was making my lymph nodes swell so much. I am still out of class this week, though, since I need the rest and some of my medicine kind of knocks me goofy.

Peace out.

[Yeah, um...]

Yeah, um, I'm sick (with the mumps, I suspect). So if I seem excessively sensitive around now in my entries, there's a reason. I tend to get emotional when I'm sicker than normal sinus infections. I'm going to go to the doctor tomorrow to get a concrete diagnosis.

So, if my hunch is correct, you won't see me all week.

Friday night, I felt fatigued, and Elizabeth confirmed my suspicions that the glands beneath my jaws were swelled up. I didn't feel too bad, so I figured it was probably my body working to rid itself of some random bug. Yesterday, though, the swelling didn't go down, and I felt rotten. I slept very restlessly last night, with my face continually heating up my pillow (though I didn't have a fever). I don't run fevers... very, very rarely, even when I'm very sick. Anyway, I woke up feeling a little better, so I headed over to church. I very quickly felt shaky, and my heart wouldn't stop racing even when I sat down. So, in case I was going to pass out, I left. I got emotional for awhile, which is my explanation for an earlier entry. This afternoon, my jaws felt achy (not miserably, just uncomfortably), and this evening, my face started with that tingly feeling that you get when something is swelling (my face has been swollen to twice its normal size in two different surgeries, so I'm well-acquainted with the sensation). Nothing really tasted good all day (besides breakfast, and I made spaghetti tonight, which went down more pleasantly). Finally, tonight, my throat is sore and I feel restless though very sleepy.

And that, my friend, is why I think it's the mumps.