Sunday, April 30, 2006

[Torn]

I want to ask you something, and I really do want feedback on this. Be completely honest with me. I've signed up for the worship ministry now for three years running, and I've been asked to help lead worship twice in three years. I can't help but feel a little hurt or overlooked somehow. As such, I can't help but think that it makes me be or sound like a bit of an arrogant jerk. I know it doesn't matter to the Lord whether I'm behind the microphone or in the congregation. But I love singing. I love taking the time to practice and lead. The thing is, I never really get asked, and it's not my place (that I know of) to volunteer myself unless it comes up in a conversation.

So am I just being a spoiled brat? Or is this a feeling you think I can have without guilt?

I know I'm not a natural-born leader (other than being someone who moves independently of the crowd, usually), but I can be when given the opportunity. I don't mean that I necessarily want to stand out and be praised and admired (though the flesh of me does to an extent), I just don't want to be someone in the masses. I want the Lord to use me in whatever way He wants to, and I know He will. I just feel a little hurt, and I don't know if I should be feeling this way.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

It's totally normal to feel disappointed about that, Niki. I know that God has awesome plans for you. Maybe leading in worship isn't part of it--or maybe it is. You kinda just have to sit back and go with the flow. God's gonna have the final say in the end. I need to remember that sometimes, too. I'm praying for you, friend. :)