Sunday, April 30, 2006


I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate cancer.


I want to ask you something, and I really do want feedback on this. Be completely honest with me. I've signed up for the worship ministry now for three years running, and I've been asked to help lead worship twice in three years. I can't help but feel a little hurt or overlooked somehow. As such, I can't help but think that it makes me be or sound like a bit of an arrogant jerk. I know it doesn't matter to the Lord whether I'm behind the microphone or in the congregation. But I love singing. I love taking the time to practice and lead. The thing is, I never really get asked, and it's not my place (that I know of) to volunteer myself unless it comes up in a conversation.

So am I just being a spoiled brat? Or is this a feeling you think I can have without guilt?

I know I'm not a natural-born leader (other than being someone who moves independently of the crowd, usually), but I can be when given the opportunity. I don't mean that I necessarily want to stand out and be praised and admired (though the flesh of me does to an extent), I just don't want to be someone in the masses. I want the Lord to use me in whatever way He wants to, and I know He will. I just feel a little hurt, and I don't know if I should be feeling this way.

Friday, April 28, 2006

[Movie Un-magic]


I'm a lover of the cinema. Really, I am. I love everything from epics to chickflicks to comedies. Being Ms. Visual, I love being able to see the story. I do actually love the romantic themes, most of the time.

However, the romance is also what drives me batty. It's so often completely ludicrous. Not so much the idea of falling in love, but the concept of everyone just finding their perfect match at the same time, and by the end of the movie, everyone is so happily paired off. It plants the false idea in my head that, "oh, everyone else is hooking up, so I must be next," and I never am. Then I feel let down. Of course, I realize it's psychologically unsatisfying to have someone in a story end up not guaranteed happily ever after. Naturally, and I probably would be irritated if the stories didn't turn out that way. But come on.


Thursday, April 27, 2006

[Wound Up]

I must be really wound up tonight. I'm not sure why, other than maybe it only being 2 weeks before the semester's over and I get to move to a new apartment (with a/c!). Maybe those grades and classes I don't think I'm worrying about are getting to me more than I think they are. Who knows. All I know is, I'm drowsy on allergy medicine yet I'm sitting straight up in bed typing like a madwoman. It's nuts.

I could do homework, but I kind of suspect that I would read it tomorrow only to discover it's completely incoherent. Nuts.

I love my small group.

Alright, I think I may give the sleep thing another go. My brain seems to have slowed down a bit. No comments from the peanut gallery, thank you.


[15 more days!]

[I have small group tonight!!!]

Good times.

[I won... or not.]

Monday, April 24, 2006

[Food for Thought]

Rabbi Schmuley: "We need to remember that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react."

Sunday, April 23, 2006


I woke up this morning at 10:45, no regrets.

Well, except for not doing any homework until just now, which equals me pretty much staying up all night.


By the way, I redesigned my home page (the Mother Ship). I hope it looks a little more "grown up".

Saturday, April 22, 2006

[Die, Pollen, Die!!!]

Achoo! 'Nuff said.

So I officially start my healthy eating regimen tomorrow. Eating right costs some serious money! I mean, in the end, I'm sure it's worth it, with a better quality of life. And it's not going to kill me to resist buying every interesting movie I see. I can afford it if I just make sure I buy other stuff that I need versus want. But, argh, seventy-five dollars today at WalMart? And I've still got to buy stuff like tomatoes, onions, asparagus, and spinach. I do honestly enjoy these foods better than the fattening crap, but unfortunately, the fattening crap costs about half as much. So you can understand the temptation, I'm sure. Still, I can do this.

This, somehow, brings me to another concern 'o' mine. Self-image. It's just a little something I notice, the difference between being at home and being here. Everytime I go home to visit my family, I come away feeling like I am and look like a fat cow. I feel like my clothes are ridiculous and come nowhere near fitting right, no matter what. Then I'm back at school, and I have friends whose language is encouragement. They tell me I look fine, enourage me to eat right, tell me I've got an eye for clothes and colors, etc. Then I go home, and my parents (because they care and want what's best for me, I know) tell me I'm gaining too much weight, my clothes make me look fat, Mom hates my haircolor (if it's blond, she wants it red again; if it's red, she wants me back to my natural blond), etc. I get put on a diet when I go home. It's frustrating, to be honest. I've got a pretty shaky self-esteem, especially considering I've only gotten to where I'm okay with how I look and such since I've been in college. It's an easy thing to destroy. I go home for three days, and it takes me about three weeks to retrain myself not to cringe every time I look in the mirror.

Writing this is not going to change anything. Talking to them probably won't make any impact either, for that matter. The only real purpose to this is just to get it off my chest. I need to remember that it's not about me or my appearance (no matter what certain loved ones may insist), but rather about what kind of light I am portraying. No matter what, I'm a part of the body of Christ; my light needs to be a pure light that reflects Him, not my skewed view of the world or myself. Yup.

Alright, my decongestant is seriously affecting my ability to form coherent sentences, so that's my cue to go crash for the night.


Thursday, April 20, 2006

[Phlickr Photos]

Instead of posting these pics 3-4 at a time, how about I just post my flickr album site?


I'm a bit lightheaded right now, again, so it won't be long before I crash. However, in the meantime, I think the time is ripe for another few pictures.

Yeah, nothing I say tonight is going to be intelligent or astounding, unless it's astoundingly nonsensical. Thus, I shall rise early in the morning to do ALL my homework. Again.

Oh, just enjoy the pictures. Ignore me, for your own good.

[Because the Party-ers Never Shut Up]

I'm never going to fall asleep. Argh.

More spring break trip pics. Yesssssssssss.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

[Bonjour, Mesdames et Monsieurs]

After yet another brief absence, I have returned to my first weblove. Hiyas.

Hrmm... updates:

First off, I'm no longer going through the mental recovery process following the spring break accident. I went home for Easter, my first time on the road outside of the 'Ville since the wreck, and after an initial sinking feeling in my stomach, I was fine and dandy. Thank You, Lord, for healing!

Oh, speaking of spring break, I haven't shared any photos with you all yet! I'll be doing that over the next couple weeks, something like a few photos per post from my favorites.

Mom put me on a diet when I went home, with a weight loss bribe. How can I refuse the offer to pay my airfare to England when I go? I'm already going to be dealing with living expenses on what will likely be a very unstable income. Yay for ministry, right? But I know it's what He wants me to do... I'm reaffirmed in this everytime I have doubts.

In 24 days, I'll begin moving out of 416 E. Jefferson. It's bittersweet. I love that this is such an old house with all its quaint little nooks and crannies. On the other hand, it'll be nice to have central air and HEAVEN to have a washer and dryer. Hallelujah! So really, the pros outweigh the cons by a long shot.

Ooh, and a big closet. I'll have a big, TRUE walk-in closet! I can enjoy my extensive clothing collection before I end up getting rid of 3/4 of it after graduation.

Alright, well, I guess real updates, like on stuff that actually matters, will be coming later on. For now, I'm gonna get something accomplished (ha!).

Niki out.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

[Migraines Suck]

I'm not feeling all too verbally expressive at the moment, but if I use that as an a excuse not to post, I'll never post. Migraines do that to me, and I get many.

I've been really antisocial this weekend for some reason. I planned to go to the free MxPx concert, then decided to stay home and watch Narnia. I planned to go to the TSODA dance recital last night, but I fell sound asleep at 7:30. No regrets. Instead of hauling my laundry over to the CCF house, I stayed in (hey, it was kind of cold) and watched Narnia. Again. Today, though, I did go to CCF (Yay for seeing Jessie Jones!!!) and house church tonight ('brought to you by the letter M'). Then I came home and spent an hour and a half in deep discussion (life, love, and the Lord) with Kate. I guess with me it's all or nothing.

I think whoever discovers a universal cure for migraines will be my greatest hero. Not to complain (because I know I sound like a complainer sometimes, but as my life is sort of dull, it's often the only topic I have), but I'd just gotten over a 2 monther, and now I've got another one. Talk about the thorn in my side. But really, they're not that bad (they're usually just an annoying headache that hangs around way too long).

Friday is the 13th anniversary of my mom's passing. It has a tendency to be a tough day for me, so if you think of it, please say a prayer for me and my family. She was my [grand]parents' only child (I'm the only grandchild), and it was pretty tough on them.

I found almost-the-right-color hairdye, finally, so these roots shall soon be eradicated.

I need to make a real update soon. If nothing else, within the next week or so, I'll fill those of you whom I haven't seen in ages in on what's been going on in my life lately.

Friend quote of the week: 11-year-old Andy Belzer, upon viewing my first drivers' license in evidence of blond being my natural haircolor: "You look different... [me: 'Well, yeah, it was six years ago, y'know.']... Yeah... You got old really fast."

And thus I go to bed and crash hard. One month and 2 and a half days until summer break. Amen!

Edit: Omigosh... not just summer break, but my LAST ever summer break! Does anyone have a cane? Depends? Geritol? I'm sure I've got some stories of walking half a mile to class in two feet of snow for you youngsters... And they're true, that's the depressing part.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

[Tell the Truth]

All right, 'fess up now. Did it work? Tell me the truth, my friend!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

[Shocking Announcement]

I'm engaged.

That's right, me!

I don't know what possessed me to accept, but somehow, I think it's right. I just knew when he got down on his knee that this was it.

I'm still a bit speechless, so check out our page:

I'll answer any questions, emailed to me, tomorrow, once I've gotten my mind around this.