Sunday, March 26, 2006

[Vulnerability and Patronizing]

I could use a few prayers, please. I feel like I'm being attacked in some areas of my life, including loneliness and fear, and it just feels overwhelming. I've got thoughts in my head of not being good enough, wondering why I can never get it right, why I'm still (somewhat) upset about the accident, why I still can't concentrate, why I feel nauseated, why does he only see me as a friend (always)... I just want to graduate and have clean slate again. I want to move on and have that hope that... well. I just feel like I'm always stuck in the same old rut, no matter the circumstance. I feel like a perpetual screw-up. I want to be held. I've got so much coming at me right now, I can't even remember to cry out for help. God, help me! Only You can free me from this! Restore my shaky faith and help me remember joy.

Change of subject.

I get frustrated when I'm patronized. Most of the time, they don't even know they do this, but I can sense it. It's easy to pet me and chuckle at my idiosyncrasies... I'm short and they can be cute. I understand that. But it can be hurtful, too. I may not necessarily look like I'm all grown-up, but the truth of the matter is that I'm 22. I'm, by any objective standards, a grown woman [insert terrified scream here]. Though the idea of being an adult makes me a bit weak in the knees, the truth remains that I want to be treated as such.

This is one of those things that occurs to me when my parents (whom I love very much) visit and I can see their treatment of me alongside of the few who do treat me as an actual equal... the ones who make me feel intelligent and like I might have something useful to add. They're few and far between, and perhaps that's why they're my favorite people. While my parents will try to bully me (unintentionally, I'm sure) into doing or acting certain ways, these people will share their views and listen to mine without criticism or even just "tolerance"... they seriously care about my stances. While my mom loves to answer any and all questions directed toward me, these people will let me have my say and let me speak for myself. These people will hug me as an equal--not the tucked under the arm type of hug, but the kind where we are on equal footing and equal embracing... and with firm lovingness (do you get what I mean? It's hard to put into words). People who are younger than me, significantly so, even often tend to be patronizing as well. I know I can act rather "quaint", and I really do want you to laugh when I'm being silly, but not in that "aww, how cute" type of way. Laugh because it's funny... not quaint. I'm not a puppy, I'm not a five-year-old, I'm not any of these things. If I must be a grown woman, fine. Just please do me the courtesy of giving me the respect that comes with the status. That's all I ask.

Thank you for your time, and your prayers, because I'm feeling very vulnerable right now.

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