Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Imported from Xanga

i don't like to dote on the idea that having nager syndrome makes me special or worthy of some sort of particular pity or sympathy, because i don't think that's the case.  my nager syndrome, especially in recent years, is so mild that it's practically non-existent (barring some vivid memories of sixteen not-always-pleasant surgeries and a few health issues). 
but sometimes it's the ones we love most that hurt us most. 
somewhat recently, this summer i believe, i visited some longtime friends (almost my godparents) of my parents with them.  i have spent much of my life traipsing around their yard and swimming in their pool, pouring my heart out... and so on. 
i feel like i'm having a hard time putting the words together, so if this seems a little helter-skelter, i'm sorry.
look, i'll be the first to admit, having a bit of a hearing impairment can make things somewhat difficult.  but it's not been that bad... and my speech is not the greatest, but it has improved vastly over the years.  right now, from where i'm sitting, i am now past the point where it's going to stand in the way of my accomplishments.  i may have to work a little harder in some aspects, but most people don't hold these things against me, or if they do, they're tactful enough not to say so. 
mom told me later that they were discussing me (yay, i just love when people discuss me out of my presence, especially critically).  her friend ____, whom i consider almost another grandmother, kept insisting that they should be getting me hearing aids so my hearing impairment won't hold me back... and all this was supposedly based on their observations, actually using the word handicapped.  i'm forever grateful to tracy, her granddaughter, who may be not making the best choices in life, but she has been like a dear cousin to me, and her words could not have been kinder.  she confronted her grandma and said, "niki is one of the most intelligent and kindest people i know.  she is far from handicapped and will probably make a big mark on the world.  she doesn't need to be held down by the handicap label."  ok, that's not word for word, and i think it's entirely too generous of her, but it's the gist of what was said and implied. 
look, it doesn't bother me (much) when strangers make judgments about my differences.  big deal.  if they don't have the patience to occasionally repeat themselves or listen to what i'm saying, then that's fine.  it's their choice.  what hurts like hell is when lifelong friends who think they know me try to 'help' me by putting labels on me that new people don't even imagine putting on me.  it's only the ones who watched me grow up who seem to hold on to this idea that i must be 'different'... usually, anyway. 
hey, i don't know how much sense this made, especially to those of you who don't know me well.  but i'm sick of labels, i'm sick of being 'different'... well, at least because of some kind of birth defect.  i'm glad to be different because of my faith and because i want to follow Christ wholeheartedly, and because i'm willing to forsake worldly success to bring His awesome news to others... but i don't want to be different because of a so-called handicap.  i don't have a handicap.  i have 80% of my hearing (averaged out)... if i take the time, i can speak almost completely 'normally'... and yeah, i may never be able to run a marathon because of a small airway, but really, that's unimportant. 
my life's work is going to be ministry.  it's going to be a question of whether or not you see Jesus in what i say and do.  that's going to define whether or not i'm successful.  a minor speech or hearing impairment cannot and will not stand in the way.  after all, even if i had no physical defects, i would be completely incapable of doing this on my own.  i can only serve Christ through Christ.  and when i am weak, whether physically or otherwise, and i acknowledge His lordship and let Him do the work, then it doesn't matter whether i can hear or speak well.  He's going to do it anyway.  so don't tell me that i need to be 'helping' myself to 'succeed'... because i don't.  i've got all i need to succeed in every way that matters: i have Christ. 
everything else is just details.

Imported from Xanga

Currently Watching
Elf (Infinifilm Edition)
By Edward Asner, Will Ferrell, Bob Newhart
see related
It's three... in the morning... and I'm still awake.  No nap during the day, only three, three and a half hours of sleep last night, zombie-sleepiness all flippin' day, and now I'm wide awake.  I've got the most seriously screwed up mind-body relationship ever... geez.  Whatever.

My candle smells yummy.  I like being a "big girl" and burning candles.  I've found my happy place.

Seriously, though, I am ready to get on.  I do love it here, I love my friends (really, I love you so much more than you'll ever know), and I love the way that God has challenged me and made me grow in my faith here.  But I don't know... I think in the past few months, I crossed some weird threshold that says, ok, time to go to grow.  As wonderful as CCF is and as instrumental as it's been in shaping the ways in which I've managed to rethink my faith as FAITH rather than religion, I feel like I've reached leveling off point.  I'm worn out and burnt out on school, and it's become so much my focus (again, grrr...), and it's affecting my walk.  And I keep coming across these stories of people being ok, even if not swimming in abundance, in their ministries, and it's like God's saying, hang on 'cuz we're on our way.   And man, if I didn't just have a year left, I'd soooo be outta here.  [Flashback 4 years ago: no way in the world would I ever have imagined myself seriously contemplating that... no way.  School was too much of a priority... sadly, it took precedence over the King of kings, and my walk was more of a stance than an act of moving forward...]

Oh oh oh oh.... here it is!  There's that sleepiness I was looking for!  Yaaaaaay!  Er, rather, yaaaaaaaaaawn.  Good night kids... bundle up tomorrow!!!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Imported from Xanga

Currently Reading
Pride and Prejudice
By Jane Austen
see related
Ok, I'm calm again.  It's all good.  Er, well, at least until grades come out and Mom inquires about the declining G.P.A.  *sigh*  Que sera sera.

I should not watch love stories when I've been especially emotional.  Pride and Prejudice: good book, good movie, sweet love story... bad effect on the old contentment in singleness.  Oh well, I never said I was smart.

I've seriously been watching way too much TLC and HGtv.  I've got this irrepressible urge to redecorate a house.  Bring.  It.  On.

Aaaand... ok, that's all I have to say.  Pointless rambling.  Now you know why I haven't been posting much for the past couple months.

Imported from Xanga

Disclaimer: I'm about to snap.
Why do I even freakin' bother to study for astronomy?!  I spent a good two or three hours studying (and I mean studying, not my usual reading or skimming), and at the most, it helped me on one, MAYBE two questions, and even then I'm not sure!!!  I hate hate hate hate hate this class with a stinkin' passion!  I just can't get any of this frickin' crap to stick in my head... somehow I always study the wrong concepts or memorize the wrong words!

Imported from Xanga

Currently Watching
Pride & Prejudice
see related
Someone keep reminding me there are only three weeks left of this ridiculous semester!  I've more or less made a vow to myself that I'll skip no more classes for the rest of the semester (poo... and that's right, a whole two weeks of classes... whoop-dee-doo), but as I'm more tired and less motivated than I've been all fall, this is not meshing well.

Sorry for the complaints... it's just 7:45 in the morning and I got around 3 hours of sleep last night... which has become the norm for me of late.

Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to class (and to find caffeine!) I go.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Imported from Xanga

Currently Watching
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Harry Potter 4)
see related
I have nothing useful to say, so I'm just going to do Goblet of Fire movie quotes:

Harry Potter: Hagrid warned me about the dragons!
Ron Weasley: No, no! Remember I told Hermione to tell you that Seamus told me that Dean was told by Parvari that Hagrid was looking for you. Seamus didn't really tell me anything so it was really me all along!
Harry Potter: How could anybody figure that out? It's completely mental!

Ron Weasley: ...and she was just walking along... you know how I like it when they walk!

Hermione Granger: Harry, you told me you'd figure out that egg WEEKS ago! The second task is in two days!
Harry Potter: Yeah, I know. Hasn't Krum told you anything?
Hermione Granger: No... dare not he speak about the tournament. Actually, we don't talk much at all... Krum's more of a physical thing.
[Harry looks at her in shock, she smiles, realizes what she's said]
Hermione Granger: I meant he's not particularly loquacious. He mainly watches me study. Quite annoying, actually.

Albus Dumbledore: [to Harry] I never liked these curtains. I set them on fire in my fourth year. Accidentally, of course.

Professor Minerva McGonagall: It is at this time that we will gather for some well-mannered frivolity.

Professor Minerva McGonagall: We are the host school and we will not be seen hoisting a band of bright bumbling babbons!
Fred Weasley: [whispering to George] try to say that five times fast
George Weasley: [whispering] band of bright bumbling baboons!
Fred Weasley: [whispering] band of bright bumbling baboons!

Professor Minerva McGonagall: Mr. Potter, are you and Miss Patil ready?
Harry Potter: Ready? For what?
Professor Minerva McGonagall: To dance! It's traditional for the three - well in this case four - champions to begin the dance. Surely I told you that?
Harry Potter: No.
Professor Minerva McGonagall: Oh, well, now you know...

And because I'm a total nerd (there, I claim it), I'm going back to watch it again tonight at 8:00.  Yay!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Imported from Xanga

Currently WatchingThe Nanny - The Complete First Season
By Fran Drescher
see related
I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard my people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

I, who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear my light to them?
Whom shall I send?

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.
I, the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people’s pain.
I have wept for love of them.
They turn away.
Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my words to them.
Whom shall I send?

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.
I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will send the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them.
My hand will save.
Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.
Finest bread I will provide,
'Til their hearts be satisfied.
I will give my life to them.
Whom shall I send?
Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.
...I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying.  And they were calling to one another:  "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory." At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke. "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty." Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. \ With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for." Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" (Isaiah 6:1b-8)
Thoughts on this later.  I'm on the verge of falling asleep.
If you see me today, and I seem tense, irritable, or angry, just know it has nothing to do with you.  Except for finally nailing a thesis for my medieval English lit paper and have a good discussion with Andrea, I've had a lousy day from the start.  Available parking spaces dropped at the same rate as the temperature did overnight, so that alone was reason for some tension... then I'm tired... then I didn't have time to get breakfast, so I tried to get it out of the machine, and when I got my soda, I hit Mt. Dew and got Pepsi... and by the way, there is no graceful or quiet way of opening a snack bag or a can of soda when class is in session... then I got my astronomy test back: there are 3 tests this semester plus the final, and we've taken two... I've gotten D's on both, and that's with some intense study.

So trust me when I say, it's not you.  And I'll be fine soon.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Imported from Xanga

I was starting to wonder if I'd ever get tagged... haha!

The Rules: The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "MY 5 WEIRD HABITS" and people who get tagged need to write a xanga entry about their 5 weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their xanga IDs. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "You are tagged" in their xanga and tell them to read yours.

1.  I need chocolate at least once per day... I'm a complete chocoholic.  I'll actually go into withdrawals without it.

2.  I'll sit on my bed (during the academic year), look around my room while I'm on the computer or watching TV relaxing, and think to myself how badly I need to clean my room, and probably think it 10 time times in a day, but it'll be probably 2 weeks before it gets finished.  When classes are not in session, however, my room is immaculate, even if I'm constantly on the go.

3.  I always think to do something that I do actually neeed to do, like download an update that takes an hour to do or something, at midnight when I'm half-awake.  I don't know why these things don't occur to me when I have time and energy.

4.  When I feel like think I'm too predictable or uninteresting a goody-two-shoes or something to that effect, I tend to do impulsive things, and I don't know why.  I've dyed my hair, pierced new holes, cut seven inches off my hair, changed blogs... be careful... options are running thin.  A tattoo could be next.

5.  I pick at myself all the time... my fingers, my lips, my ears...

I tag Sarah (Freedom_worshipper), Sarah (youchasedme), Andrea (MadameD319), Heather (godskiddo22), and the newlywed Becky (kceby).

Monday, November 14, 2005

Imported from Xanga

Well kids, it's time to request a bit 'o' prayer.  I sent in an official application recently to a missions organization, and today they called me to interview me.  They seem interested in me (yay!), and they plan to call back.  They're going to talk to the groups they have over in the UK (the ones doing church planting who work with groups and the ones who are doing campus ministry).  I really see how God's guidances in my experiences could lead me to do stuff in those types of ministry, and if you've been keeping up with my insanity, you know that's the area of the world I have a heart for, so I just want to ask that you please pray!  Pray for God's guidance, and that if this is the group He wants me to go with, that He will open doors and give me and my family peace about it.

Thank you loves!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Imported from Xanga

Term paper season = major procrastination time!!!
Name? Niki Cox
Nicknames? Niki, Nikster, Niks, Nikelodeon, Nickel, Nikers, Nik, Nikolas, Nikola, Ditzy-Doo, Dinghy, Bubbles, Sexy Mama, Sis, and more
Date of birth? October 9, 1983
Sex? Female
Height? 4'12''
Eye color? Green, grey-blue
Where were you born? St. Louis
Number of candles on your last birthday cake? technically, 21, since my last cake didn't have candles on it.  So it should've had 22.
Pets? 1 dog at home, Sassy, who is a husky-corgi-brat mix
Hair color? blond by nature, red by choice
Piercings? 2 in each lobe, 1 in the left cartilege
Town you live in? Kirksville, MO
Favorite foods? Pasta, chocolate, seafood
Ever been to Africa? Nope
Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes, many people
Been in a car accident? no, knock on wood
Croutons or bacon bits? bacon bits all the way
Favorite day of the week? Sunday or Wednesday
Favorite resturant? The Pasta House and La Pachanga
Favorite flower? roses and lilies
Favorite sport to watch? any St. Louis sport
Favorite drink? tea
Favorite ice cream flavor? chocolate chocolate chip cookie dough
Warner Bros. or Disney? depends on the movie
Favorite fast food restuarant? none
Carpet color in your bedroom? I have a rug
How many times did you fail your driver's test? once... she thought i was too inexperienced and kept me out until i did something wrong
Whom did you get your last email from? Truview Quarantine
Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?  Barnes and Noble
What do you do most often when you are bored? Sit in bed with the computer on my lap watching TLC/HGTV/The Cosby Show/Home Improvement/Boy Meets World
Most annoying thing to say to me? "What are you doing after graduation?"  Granted, I have some sort of a plan, as in, I'm going to be a missionary, but that answer leads to more specific questions that honestly, God hasn't answered yet, and I only have vague answers for, and I feel so irresponsible when I have to give those vague answers.
Bedtime? 12:30-1:00 a.m.
Favorite TV show? The Cosby Show, Home Improvement, Boy Meets World, Extreme Home Makeover
Last person you went out to dinner with?: I think Kate
Been out of country? Mexico, England, and the Bahamas
Believe in magic? I believe in the supernatural, as in God
Ford or Chevy? Chrysler.
What are you listening to right now? the fan
Have you ever failed a grade? no
Do you have a crush on someone? always
What are you wearing right now? pajama pants, long sleeve t-shirt
Would you have sex before marriage? don't plan on it
Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers? no
Are you a virgin? yes
Do you smoke? i'm allergic
Do you drink? occasionally, but only after i turned 21, and only one drink in an extended period of time.  i'm extremely cautious with as much alcoholism as runs in my family
What are your favorite colors? i don't have favorites.  i'm an artist.
What is your favorite animal? I wuv puppies
Do you have any birthmarks? birthmarks, scars, you name it.
Have you ever gotten your butt kicked? come on... I'm five feet tall... what do you think?
Have you ever been slapped? see previous answer
Do you get online a lot? duh
Do you shower? only to wash my hair.  i love my baths
Do you hate school? I have a bad case of senioritis
How easily do you trust people? to a degree, quite easily. 
Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing? of course
Would you ever sky dive? I'm not sure
Have you ever been out of state? *snort*  I've already said I've been out of the country... do you think I'd say I've not been out of the state?
Do you like to travel? it's a passion of mine.  i hate being pinned down for too long.
Have you ever been expelled from school? Nope
Have you ever been suspended from school? Never even had detention
Do you want to get out of your hometown?  I'm out of there, out of the second one, and now I want out of my college town and even out of my country.  Does that answer your question?
Are you spoiled?  Somewhat
Have you ever been dumped? No.  Turned down?  Yes.
Do you like snapple? Well, I like tea...
Do you drink a lot of water? I don't like water.
What toothpaste do you use? Crest Whitening Expressions here, Mentadent at home
Do you have a cell phone? Yes
Do you have a curfew? I'm 22... I'm on my own... in college.  Please.
Who do you look up to? Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus.
Are you a role model? I've been told so, which has certainly made me think before ever rebelling
Have you ever been to Six Flags or Cedar Point? I lived in St. Louis the first 8 years of my life, what do you think?
What kind of jewelry do you wear? earrings... true love waits ring when my weight isn't being so sporadic... an occasional necklace...
What do you want pierced? got it... i might do a nose right about 3 years after my parents are long gone so they won't come back and haunt me
Do you like taking pictures? *snort*
Do you like getting your picture taken? yes.  do i like the pictures?  generally no.
Do you have a tan? I look natural as a redhead, so no.
Do you get annoyed easily? depends
Do you have your own phone or phone line? I have a cell phone
Do you have your own pool? ha.
Do you have any siblings? just me, myself, and i.  oh, the stories we could tell...
Do you get along with your parents? at times
How do you vent your anger? keep to myself when i'm irritable
Have you ever ran away? only contemplation
Have you ever been fired from a job? yes, through downsizing.  i found out that everyone that worked there when i did was fired within a year of me, so i don't feel like such a loser.
Do you daydream a lot? i'm not always sure which is reality
Do you have a lot of ex's? none.
Do you run your mouth? not intentionally, but i do have foot in mouth disease
What do you want a tattoo of? I got a temporary tatoo this past winter of a cross, and it looked really cool.  If I ever got a tattoo, it would look a lot like that one.
What do you have a tattoo of? I don't have one
What does your most recent crush look like? a guy
Whats her/his name? it's a guy's name
Do you like getting dirty? if the mood strikes
What does your hair look like right now? straight and boring
Could you ever be a vegetarian? not at this point... maybe in the future
If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color? i already do... red
Would you ever date someone younger than you? Yes
Would you ever date someone older than you? Yes
When was the last time you were drunk? Can't say I've ever been drunk... a little woozy on cold medicine perhaps...
How many rings until you answer the phone? I usually let it ring at least 2 times
Have you ever been skinny dipping? not that i recall
Do you look more like your mother or father? mommy
Do you cry a lot? duh, yeah, it's me
Have you ever been chased by cops? pulled over, not chased
What do you like most about your body? uh....................................my....... um...  fingers?
In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes? generally brunettes.  (does that sound weird to anyone else, to call a guy a brunette?)
Do you ever wear shirts do show your belly? not intentionally
What about cleavage? not intentionally
Is your best friend a virgin? my best friend is married
What theme does your room have? chaos
What size shoe do you wear? 5 and a half to 6
What is your screen name on AIM? NikiStarsNHrEyes
How are you feeling right now? Tired and stressed
When was the last time you were at a party?  freshman week, one of the CCF parties
Would you marry for money? no, i'm not even working for money.
What do you drive?  Jeep Grand Cherokee
Are you more of a mommys or daddys child?  my biological mommy's, my adopted daddy's
When was the last time you cried at school? geez, i can't remember... too many!
Would you ever hook up with the same sex? y'know, i just don't swing that way, sorry
What kind of music do you like? pretty much anything but country
What is your worst fear? loneliness
Would you ever join the army? no
Do you like cows? sure, why not
If you were to die today, what would you do? plead with all my might with those i love that don't know Christ to please accept Him.  I've been trying to show them Him, but time would be of essence in this case.
If you had one last word to say to someone before you die, what would it be?  Jesus
Do you like to party? Nah
Moons or stars? stars
Coke or pepsi? Mountain Dew
Favorite scent? Chocolate
Would you ever dye your hair red? uhhh....
How many languages can you speak? English natively, Spanish conversationally, learning French

Friday, November 11, 2005

Imported From Xanga

Currently WatchingNow and Then
By Christina Ricci, Demi Moore
see related
I'm watching this movie on ABC Family, and it's making me think.  Where does this cynicism we develop as we become adults come from?  In a matter of a couple years, we go from sweet kids who are often completely genuine about our hurts and love of one another to adults who find it nearly impossible to trust anyone, even God, who loves us unconditionally and desires our companionship.  No wonder He said that we can only enter the kingdom of heaven with the faith of a child.

I know we have to grow up... and it's good in many ways.  But it's kind of hard to know what kind of innocence is lost, too.  Many of us who used to have so much in common stop talking to one another, or can't seem to find anything in common anymore, and the "friends forever" vow gets forgotten, even though meant it with all our hearts and in all sincerity.  You can't go back.  You can allow Christ to change your heart, but that innocence is gone.

It kind of makes me sad...

Samantha:  I knew at that moment, our days of playing make-believe were over.  As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe.  It's not that we don't want to.  But too much has happened... and we can't.

Imported from Xanga

Welp, so much for going to the women's retreat this weekend.  I'm up to my eyeballs in homework, and I am exhausted and getting sick AGAIN.  Poo.  Hey, could someone who is going get me a t-shirt?  I'll so pay you back.  I saw them and I think they look awesome.  So pretty pretty please?  [edit: covered!  thanks Jenna!]

Anyway, I better keep studying.  There's no guarantee I'm going to be able to keep my eyes open today.  Arrrrgh...

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Imported from Xanga

If you could please pray for me, I'm really overwhelmed with classes and stuff, and I'm just about stressed out to my maximum capacity.  I could easily have a nervous breakdown.  I feel like I'm in over my head right now, and I lack both motivation and energy to do the work I need to do.  And then at the same time, the reality of everything's due dates (a big chunk of stuff is due tomorrow and I've gotten nowhere on most of it) is hanging over my head.  I feel so tense and shaky.  I know I shouldn't worry, and I should just do it, but I can't seem to do it.  So please pray... A nap would do me some good right now (I don't feel so great physically), but I'm too jumpy to sleep.

Imported from Xanga

Currently ReadingThe Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (adult) (Narnia)
By C. S. Lewis 
see related
You know how the Narnia Chronicles say, "Aslan is on the move"?

Yeshua is on the move.  In approximately two weeks, I have seen the results of years of His working in two people's lives finally culminate in surrender to His grace.  And even though there was a long period of working in their lives, for so long, it's seemed like they were too rebellious, too determined to walk alone for either of them to accept Him... and then, just like that, they both pull a complete 180° and devote their lives to Him!

Thank You, Lord for Nik and Chrissie!  Two very different people from two very different backgrounds halfway around the world from one another, and You have transformed their lives drastically!

I'm beginning to see the evidence that He is really going to do something big... that He already is.  The cultures and people that so often seem like lost causes (think most of Western civilization) are undergoing amazing transformations.  I'm beginning to see why He has placed in me a heart for London, a city that has become so seemingly apathetic and "secularized" that so many of us have given up on its people.  We consider it a hopeless case.  Well, it's time to rethink and pray, pray, pray!

Can you feel it?