Tuesday, April 27, 2004

[I Need a Hug... a Freakin' Huge Hug]

I'm drained.  I've spent the last two weeks or so in a frenzy, and I still have two weeks of frenzying left to go.  Now, I realize I'm not alone in this, but I guess in my company, I feel all the more alone, because we're all so busy we don't have time to really give each other much of a hand right now.

Last week my dad had major heart surgery--an aorta bypass--and that drained me simply from worry.  They were 4 hours late taking him in to surgery, then the surgery itself took four times longer than it was supposed to... and here I was waiting by the phone five hours away from the hospital waiting to hear if he was out of surgery and if he was ok.  Petrified?  No joke.  Hello ulcerville.  (Some of you may know I'm adopted by my grandparents... so that's who I'm referring to.  Me and my dad are pretty tight, so I was a wreck.) 

Finals are coming up.  Need I say more?  They start a week from Thursday.  Then there are all the tests between now and finals.  Gah.

My foot.

The Unique Ensemble concert was postponed until Sunday, which made things really tight for me, and since I have extra responsibilities with that, yeah.  I got very little else accomplished this weekend.  Oh, and now they've gone and added another performance on for Friday.  Great.  I wouldn't mind, except I found out today--about 3 days beforehand.  I don't even know what time it is yet.  *groan*

I hate to say it, but I've been slacking off on my Bible time too.  I wanna kick myself for it, but my kicking foot is out of commission, so I guess I'll have to settle for smacking myself upside the head.  I can't justify it by saying I don't have time... after all, I've been playing with this thing for the last few days.  I haven't thought about it.  I've looked up a couple scriptures, but otherwise, I've been lazy.  However, I'm writing this to hold myself accountable that I'll sit down and read tonight when I get off work... not just read a couple sentences, but actually delve like I should.  Next time I write here, I'll have to admit whether I did or I didn't. 

Ha... why do I need someone to kick my butt when I do I fine job on my own? ;) 

*ahem*  Anyway, moving on.

Please pardon my vent... though I complain, my life isn't as "bad" as I may make sound.  I just needed to get some things off my chest. 

I did get my acceptance packet from the University of Strathclyde in Glasgow for my study abroad for next spring.  I'm stoked.  Dude... I'll get my own bedroom and study area!  I think I'm almost more excited about that than Scotland!  Ok, not really, but still... hehe.   Oh, and I'll be more than happy to accept donations... ;) It's going to cost me a bit more to be there than it costs me to be here at Truman.  Plus, I won't have a car.  I'll have to take the bus and the Underground everywhere.  Tuition, room, and board are higher, and food costs more.  I'll be working hard this summer to save up money.  Every little bit will help.  Besides, there is so much I want to do and see while I'm over there.  This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance, and I don't want to miss anything while I'm there. 

Work is almost over, so I guess I'll ponder more some other time. 

But I'm serious about the hug.  I could use one.  I could always use one.

[UPDATE: Yes... I was a good girl after work.  I did what I said I would do.]

Monday, April 26, 2004

[The Bigger Klutz]

In January, a group of CCF guys had a welcome back bash at their house.  They had a great turnout, some cool live music, and so on and so forth.  While I was there, my friend Jon and I got into a conversation about which of us was more "graceful."  To prove which of us was the bigger klutz, we had a marker flipping contest.  To my great chagrin (and utter shock) I actually, for the first time in my life, caught the pen--with my left hand even!!! Yeah, Jon won that day. 

So yesterday, I hobbled over to Jon and showed him my foot.  "I win." 

"I sprained my foot before too... How'd you do it?"

{insert story here}

"Did you fall?"

"Well, no, but let me tell you about last semester when I was running late to history class..."

After some discussion, we finally decided to call our gracefulness competition to a draw, and we shook on it. 

I must say, I am glad it's the twenty-first century, and it's humorous when people are clumsy, rather than disgraceful.  I can laugh at myself and have others laugh with me instead of hiding my face in shame. 

Friday, April 23, 2004

[Living Up to the Family Name]

I have a graceful family.  I have a cousin who is known for getting up in the middle of the night and falling into our Christmas tree, breaking our oaken kitchen chair, knocking pictures off our walls... My mom has stepped off a curb in Hawaii and sprained her ankle... and the stories continue.  I have a few of my own.  Well, I have a new one today.  I came in late to a movie this evening, so the theater was really dark, and my eyes hadn't adjusted yet.  All the theaters are different, so I had no idea where I was walking, and all of a sudden, my foot fell down, and I twisted my foot, hard.  Yeah, I think I have a minor sprain.  So I'm out of my concert Sunday, unless it stops hurting by then.  So I'm not going to rehearsal tomorrow.  I'm just going Sunday and set up the video camera, hit record, hit stop, and not worry about anything else.  I don't know.  Maybe it's a blessing from God, taking a little stress off of me.  Yeah, I like that idea.  I'm gonna go with that.  My ankle hurts, but I've got less to worry about.  In the meantime, I can get some studying done before work tomorrow and before I help set up for the CCF Women's Prom.  I think I can deal with that.

[My Realization]

I don't remember the song.  Yeah, Amanda, sorry... blasphemous, I know.  But I'll write it down the next time we sing it.  I'd just never heard it before, and when we were singing it a couple Sundays ago in CCF, the lyrics struck me.  While we suffer through hardships here on earth, we're suffering for Christ's sake.  When we get to heaven, when we see our Savior face to face, when see His scars, we're going to be filled with such joy that any pain we suffered here on earth will be forgotten yesterday.  With every hardship we endure, we build a crown that God will present to us when we arrive in heaven, and we are going to lay that crown down at Jesus's feet with dancing hearts.  Guys, we can't imagine the joy we're going to feel then.  He gave me a little glimpse of that joy in the middle of that song, and I just started dancing right there.  I even started crying with joy.  I saw myself with this itty bitty tiara (because really, I haven't suffered that much... it may seem like it sometimes, but I really haven't), and saying, "Here, Yeshua, Lord.  It was all for You.  None of is mine.  Take it."  And then He turns around, and saying, "Well done, good and faithful servant," places on it me.  His blood covers my mistakes.  I know I'm going to fail, but as long as I'm following after Him, striving to do His will, placing my will in His, I may face hardships, but none of them matter, because all of them are for His sake.  I'm not suffering for me... I'm suffering for the One Who suffered for me.  I owe Him my life and so much more... I can't do it on my own, but like Paul says in II Corinthians 12: 10, "When I am weak, then I am strong." 

We fall down, we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus.
The greatness of mercy and love, at the feet of Jesus.
And we cry Holy, Holy, Holy.  We cry Holy, Holy, Holy.
We cry Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lamb. 

Spread wide in the arms of Christ
Is the love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known
Than You've considered me a friend
Capture my heart again.

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship is so intimate
I find I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place
Your love is extravagant

[*Deep Breath*]

Ok... here it comes... The crazy weekend approaches.Tomorrow (or should I say today?) won't be too bad.  I'm going to see The Prince and Me, maybe go out to get dinner. But starting Saturday morning, the chaos begins. So, if you are looking for me, and you can't figure out why I've seemed to have disappeared of the face of the earth, um, look for me around May 12th. Maybe sooner, but no guarantees.  Yeah. 

So, I realized I didn't share all my poetry I wrote this semester. Sooo... While this isn't really one that's "on my heart" right now, so to speak, it was definitely relevant earlier on, so I'll share anyway. It's a rewrite of the old "Alone" poem.


A hole in my heart
Growing, growing.
God, will I always be alone?
Will you never send him to me?
Must I always wonder?
I don't ask for much.
Just a moment… that one second.
His arms around me in a
Strong, tender, loving embrace.
That one moment when I would know.
He would know.
We would just… know.

I hope I manage to keep up the writing this summer... keep after me to write poetry! I mean, not constantly, but occasionally.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

[Late Night Ramblings]

So here it is, almost 2 am... I really should be asleep.  But, I'm not.  Why?  I have no idea.  I'm tired enough.  I have to get up for a 9 am class, so I'm going to be dead tired tomorrow morning, I already know.  But I'm sitting here, in front of my computer, looking for reasons to stay awake.  And for the life of me, I can't figure out why.  I'm yawning wide enough to split my head wide open. 

And here I'm supposed to be smart.  Hmph.  Go figure.

So let's talk about this semester a little bit... if I'm going to be procrastinating sleep, I might as well bring the blog up to speed the rest of the way.  Scholastically, OY VEY... My poor head.  I'm only taking the bare minimum of 12 hours, yet I feel like I'm stretched out as far as I can stretch.  Can you say stress?  Yeesh.  It's insane.  They told me Truman was a hard school, but hard wasn't nearly descriptive enough.  I'm doing alright... I think.  But man-oh-man, the effort it takes to do "alright" is nothing like the old "alright" efforts.  In fact, it's nothing like the old "really good" efforts.  Argh.  Ok... I'm done rambling about grades.  After all... there are another 6000 students in the same boat as me, so I've no right to complain. 

As for the social and spiritual parts of my life, they have both improved.  Which, of course, does not make Satan too happy.  I think that's why I've had so many headaches and other problems this semester... attacks of discouragement.  Perhaps.  I've gotten more involved in Campus Christian Fellowship (CCF), and in doing so, I've just grown so much spiritually.  For the first time, really, I feel like I have friends who I can go up to and really say, hey, can you pray with me? I'm going through something and I need some prayer support.  And I know I'll have it.  For once in my life, I have close friends on the same or a higher spiritual level as me.  That's so amazing to me.  It really is.  And these friends really care about me.  It's just so cool for me.  I really have no words.  God has blessed me.  It's going to break my heart to leave them this summer.  And several will be graduating--even sadder.   They have no idea how much they've encouraged me this year. 

God is so awesome.  While I have to go through a lot of crap, He never fails to bless me in the midst.

Transferred from an old blog

Sunday, April 18, 2004


He walked by me, and I knew I would never be the same again. Strangely, there is nothing out of the ordinary about him, other than the band of listeners clamoring to get his attention and hear what he has to say. He looks like any other man from my village, like any man my betrothed would go to the temple with in Jerusalem. He isn’t any taller than anyone else, or any shorter for that matter. He is by no means handsome or ugly… just an ordinary traveling Jewish rabbi.

This man Yeshua from Nazareth has started talk among the men of more revolution and fighting the Roman Empire. But fool men that they are, they do not listen. I have sat listening carefully every day for the last week to Yeshua’s words. There is no hint of political revolution. He only speaks of changing individually… not the empire! This is fool’s talk my men speak of. This will only cause more problems.

Then again, maybe Yeshua is a revolutionary. What man do you know actually allows women to follow him… much less listens to what they have to say to him? Yet Yeshua’s mother and several women are constantly with him, and he does not rebuke them for their thoughts. He even encourages them! He touches women and heals them as much as he does the men. He caught my eye the other day, and I felt no fear that I would be struck down or rebuked for being too bold. He even asked me how I was doing. If I were to approach my betrothed, even if I were married to him, in public, I would be considered a disgrace. Yet I saw this Yeshua smile and help up a young girl who had tripped and fallen in the street this morning… a stranger.

You know, I hope Yeshua is a revolutionary… but not the kind my men want. I hope he’s a revolutionary that is going to change us from the inside out and make us the way Jehovah meant us to be... not what we’ve made ourselves into.