Thursday, November 13, 2003

[S.A.D.]

Seasonal Affective Depression.

A depression that many of us get around this time of year from a lack of sunlight, etc. And have I ever got it this year. I don't know why it's worse this year than normal. I just know it is. So, please, just bear with me for the next several months until I get my proper sunlight and cheeriness and I get back to normal. Because I will get back to my usual cheery self at some point in the next few months. So, for now, I'm using blogger as a vent. If you don't care if I'm down and out, or if you're gonna freak out the second you read me saying that life sucks, don't read anything until spring. Because, let's face it, my posts are going to be centered around that, and I will get over it. So, now on to my vent.

Why oh why oh why do I get my hopes up? Why? Even when I try to avoid it, I always end up getting my freaking hopes up over "maybe he likes me back" and I always get disappointed. "Surely not always?" you say? Yes, to date, always. And frankly, I'm sick and tired of it. It's an endless, vicious cycle. And it hurts... a lot. And it's just getting old. I'm ready for a change in that pattern. Bring on the change!!! It's not the fact that I'm single that bothers me... it's the fact that single's all I've ever been. I've never gotten to experience what it feels like when the guy you like likes you back. Totally foreign concept for me. Honestly, if the guy I like right now were to ask me out, I'm not sure I would remember how to say yes out of complete shock. Now, I would hope I'd be able to keep my composure enough to wait until I'm out of his presence to have a heart attack, but who knows... And anyway, what are the chances of that happening? The previously mentioned "signs" either aren't there anymore, or I've seen other explanations... hence my disappointed state of mind. I mean, there's still the possibility, but all the same... Something I need to get over, but hey, I wouldn't be me if I got over it immediately. I put too much of my heart into things. *mutters-stupid-big-heart-mutters* I mean, dang it, I'm 20 years old! Not that I'm old, but the point is that I'm at the age where I'm really starting to think about stuff like relationships, families, etc., so it's kinda bugging me. I mean, I'm not trying to get married or anything in the next couple of years; I have to graduate college first. A husband would be a little too distracting at the time. But... aw, geez... I don't know how to put it into words. I hope you all know what I'm trying to say. I'm not trying to be shallow, like "oh I have to have a boyfriend or I'm gonna die," or what-have-you. I'm just ready for a change... and a chance to experience life on the other side of the relationship tracks, you know? I'm tired of dreaming and wondering! I want to live! Is that so much to ask? I mean, honestly...

Well, I don't know how much of this makes sense... but at least I got some of it off my chest. Feel free to agree or disagree or just plain comment in the comments area below. At least I'll know someone is paying attention. Thanks.

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