Friday, October 31, 2003

[School Photos]

Yes, we still get school photos in college... And this year, they turned out awesome! Or, one did, anyway...

Check it out here!

Thursday, October 30, 2003

[Pointless Rambling]

Honestly, I don't know what to talk about, but I feel like I need to write something... So, I think I'm just going to do some "freewriting" for a while.

I am so ready for a nice long break. School is getting so dull I just can't get inspired to do the work. I think it wouldn't be so bad if I had someplace to go over the weekends, some way of getting refreshed or something. Fortunately, I do get to go home next weekend. I won't get to do a whole lot since it's Missouri Statewide, and I'll be spending most of my time in rehearsal, but all the same, it'll be nice to have some privacy. I really miss privacy. My roommate and I are so cramped up in this little room... argh. And most of the time we get along, but I just really appreciate solitude, and I don't get much anymore. I guess I'm so used to being an only child that I don't know what to think of someone always being around... It's weird for me. And I can't get away either during the week because I'll lose my parking spot... I really enjoy driving, and I'm just not getting to do that except for WalMart trips. And WalMart.... that's the big weekend excitement around here... except, there is a movie theater... and a skating rink... but I can't very well do that stuff by myself, and anytime I have free time, none of my friends do... ARGH! Cabin fever... That's all I have to say. Bring me the open road and some rockin' God tunes!

However, I have found a source of reprieve: Christian music videos! has streaming video 24/7... and some rockin' videos. Good stuff. :D

Well, I've had my vent... Disregard my ramblings and get on with your lives... :)

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

[My Stupid Stupid Computer]

Arrrrgh... Ok, tomorrow I have 2 tests, a paper, and a speech due, and my computer crashed! Here I am, getting ready to go to work (where I am now), and I go to check my email before I leave, and my mouse won't work. So, I turn off my computer and turn it back on... Now, the mouse isn't working... and my computer is beeping incessantly!!!! So, now I have to drag the thing over to ITS after work, further delaying my homework time. I would do it now, but I don't have a printer here, so I can't print off my research... This on top of Mom's little idea yesterday...

Can I just cry? :-P

EDIT: Ok, I got back, turned on my computer for the third time, and it was fine. Apparently it was just a fluke...

But boy did that beeping thing freak me out!

Oh yeah, I'm done with homework! Whoo-hoo! Of course, now it's so late I might as well just stay up the rest of the night and study... if I go to sleep now I won't wake up in the morning. :P

Tuesday, October 21, 2003


My mother..... *shakes head* That's all I'm gonna say for now...

*head goes **clunk** on the desk*


Saturday, October 18, 2003

[And Back Up I Go]

Sometimes I wonder why I bother to post... As far as I know, no one ever reads these... but it does help me get stuff off my chest better than in an ordinary journal. Anywho...

Well, my campus fever has gone down a few notches, so I'm kind of relieved. Unique Ensemble (the gospel choir I sing in up here at school) has its big fall concert tomorrow, so I'm getting pretty excited. I'm still looking for a camera person, but I'm sure I'll be fine. We have some really awesome songs this semester, songs that make you think.

Last night I saw Pirates of the Caribbean (my all-time favorite movie!) for the fifth and sixth times, because campus had a free viewing at 6:30 and 9:00. So, to make life a little more interesting, I dressed up as a pirate. I didn't get any pics, but it's my Halloween costume, so I'll get some pics and post them in my album soon, in early November.

Oh, and update on "Battle of the Shy"... Let's see, I now have my parents, my roommates, and some of my closest friends really getting on my case about spilling my guts... or, they threaten, they're going to do it themselves. Scary thought... but there is just no way. They're trying to convince me that the evidence is too strong that he (no, I'm not going to tell you who :P) likes me, but I've been hurt too many times to just lay my heart on the line... especially in this case. I consider him to be good friend, so I'm afraid to jeopardize that friendship, and besides... this one just "feels" different... it's hard to put in words. Argh... if he does like me, I hope and pray he'll be brave enough to say something... my courage in that particular area is spent. :P I want to be brave enough to say something, but it's just not going to happen. I can't. There's no real "reason" why I'm such a wuss about it, I'm just shy, and I despise that shyness. It's not to say I haven't come a long way... in fact, the fact that I even talk to the guy (and I do! I really do! Actual conversation! I'm so proud of myself...) is evidence of just how far I've come in the last couple of years. But I still have so far left to go. *sigh*

Here's song for you to ponder over:

We bow our hearts, we bend our knees
Oh Spirit come make us humble
We turn our eyes from evil things
Oh Lord we cast down our idols

Give us clean hands!
Give us pure hearts!
Let us not lift our souls to another.

Oh God, let us be a generation that seeks
That seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob!

Thursday, October 16, 2003

[Campus Fever]

I have got campus fever so badly this year, and I just don't know why... well, I have a sneaking suspicion as to one reason, but there has got to be more to it than that. I really want to be closer to home. Right now, I'm six hours away from home, so the only time I can really go home is when I have a 3 day weekend or longer. Basically, that's 3 times per semester. Yeah. So the breaks are few and far between, and I'm just itching to go home, sleep in my own bed, see people I know (and have known for a while), go to my home church, to have some privacy... To tell you the truth, if I wasn't signed up to go study abroad in Scotland for second semester next year, I think I would transfer to a school closer to home. As it is, study abroad falls at the end of my junior year, so it would be useless to transfer. So, I'm stuck, and that's driving me even crazier. If I was closer to home, it's not like I'd go home every weekend or anything, but at least I would be close enough to home that I could go home if I wanted to. Arrrrgh. Oooh... I don't know what my problem is. My mind is all over the place this week. I'd say I need a break, but I just got back from a break... Maybe I need a longer break... maybe that's it... I don't know! Argh! I know this much: when Branson seems exciting, I know something's out of whack...

I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight. Maybe my head will stop swimming by tomorrow. I hope so anyway...

Oh, if anyone wants to call and talk to me this weekend, *wink wink nudge nudge* a really good time to try to catch me will be Saturday from 3:30 to 9:30. Call me on my cell phone because I'll be working at the hall desk and I won't really have a whole lot else to do other than ever-so-exciting homework and writing out birthday thank you cards. :P

[Ups and Downs]

I'm up...Now I'm down...And I'm up...Now I'm down again...Aaaaand we're up again.

I don't think I believe in being static. I'm up and down in a matter of days, even hours. If it confuses you, don't feel bad. You're no more confused than I am, except maybe a little less confused even. You don't have to witness my mind wandering all over the place... geez.

Anywho, if you notice, my last up-down rotation above ended on up, so obviously, I'm up. I'm back up partially because of a reason I'm choosing not to disclose... because I don't know who all reads this, and it's potentially embarrassing. And also, my grades are looking slightly more optimistic... I have an A in anthropology (!), which makes perfect sense, since I only have an 80%... I have an A- in speech... I'm 1% away from an A in Psychology... and I think I went up today thanks to a 20 point pop quiz that you can't fail... and I have the potential to get an A in history... The only class that's driving me psycho now, and probably will for the rest of the semester, is Trigonometry. I am just not a math person. Never have been, probably never will be, although not for a lack of effort. Math is evil... that's that. :-P

Yup... this has been deep. Methinks it could have something to do with having to get up for a 7:30 trig class this morning... Hmmm... I think I shall take me a nap, and see if my mind is more intelligent after I awaken. :P


Monday, October 13, 2003

[Letting Go: The Daily Struggle]

I started something like this in the comments of an earlier blog, and then I realized that it was too big for comments.

We have to let go. Of what? Of our past, of our pains, of our weaknesses, of our disbelief, of our pride, of our sins, of our selfish desires, of our hatred, of our discrimination, and of our legalism when it becomes more important than our faith. This is a daily struggle. Each day, we need to rise up and give these over to God and let Him deal with it. We can't just do this once a week or once a month and expect it to give us the go-ahead for the remainder of the time. Each day, these things pile up in our lives, and unless we take up the cross of Christ and let Him deal with our own little trappings of daily life and circumstance, it's going to pile up and crush us. You know what I'm talking about from experience, whether you admit it or not. You may have made some headway in getting closer to the point of getting past it, but it's still there, and you still have had to struggle with it. We all do. Take comfort in knowing you're not alone, but rather in good company; but realize that it's your choice whether you hold on to it or give it to God. And believe me, the latter choice contains a whole lot more peace and joy.

Lord Jesus, take my pains and my selfish desires from me. Show me Your holy will and help me to follow wherever You lead me. I surrender myself to You alone. In Jesus's name, Amen.

[Battle of the Shy]

"Tell him!"
I can't!
"Oh come on..."
You know me better than that.
"But he acts like he likes you..."
Yeah, but he could just be trying to be a friend... I don't want to make it awkward if that's the case.
"Come on... Just tell him!"
I'm too shy!

Just when I think I'm getting past the shyness, situations like this arise, and I feel like I'm right back where I started. I just hope that if "he" does like me, he's not as shy as me, and he'll just say something. Otherwise...

Oh well... anyway, I had a wonderful birthday weekend! I went home, I'm relaxed and recuperated, so bring on the world! Uh, well, maybe a tiny part... I didn't have that long of a weekend... and I still have stuff on my mind... Never mind... Bring on the next break! :D

Wednesday, October 08, 2003


As of 7:00 a.m. tomorrow morning, I will have forever crossed the threshold out of adolescence...

Oh happy day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Sunday, October 05, 2003


Lord, I miss my Momma. It's been over 10 years now, and I think I miss her more with every year that passes. I miss being able to talk to her, to ask her what she felt when or what she went through when. God, I need to let her go, but I keep wanting to have her here with me, physically. Lord, I know she's so much happier with You, and I accept that. I just miss her so much! I miss that she wasn't there to hug me after graduation. I miss that she isn't going to be there, physically, at my wedding. I miss being able to hug her, to hold her hand. God, I understand she's much happier now, but it hurts so much sometimes. Like right now, for example. I miss that I didn't get to have her with me all through my adolescence, and I'm not going to have her throughout my entire adulthood. I miss that I didn't get to really know her. Help me, please. Help me let go. God I thank you for the wonderful parents you gave me in her place, but You know as well as I do that nothing can really take that place, to really fill that void. Help me, but don't let me forget, because I'm beginning to forget. I was so young, and so much time has passed. I can handle the pain of missing her, just as long as I don't forget. Please...

God, I thank You and I praise You for You are my Prince of Peace and Everlasting Father.

In the Name of Yeshua Ha'Mashiach,

Thursday, October 02, 2003


The countdown: